Break Down

So I'm not going to start off with a "quote" like I usually do, but I think this picture covers all that. As dramatic as teenage girls are, I feel like I overdo that role a bit too much. My week has been stressful in my standards  and I have no idea how to cope with it all. I finally managed to break down to my father because he pushed me through my limit, I had to gain weight in order to be eligible to dance (according to my doctor), I have been tempted to start purging again (or at least relapse all together), and I'm also trying to keep my boyfriend under control. I honestly don't know what do and he's not helping me either. He completely freaked out on me last night and let his anger overpower him and I was honestly kinda scared of him. Now I'm trying to cheer him up and plan his birthday, but I'm honestly freaking out and stressing over him. I don't ever want to sound selfish, but I haven't had the time to vent or even to calm down since I last purged and had the discussion with my father. I'm kind of just here.

Murder She Wrote

When the moon found the sun he looked like he was barely hanging on, but her eyes saved his life In the middle of summer.
So what an interesting week this has been: I've spent most of it at dance rehearsal, my best friend came over, my mother has been pushing every-single button, and I haven't spoken to my boyfriend all day. It seems as though I can never win with anything. Ever. My mom hates the fact that she's wrong from time-to-time, and let's not forget, she still believes that I'm some 10 year-old girl that is completely dependent on her and her "needs". WHY?! Why doesn't she realize that I'm growing up? Why does she insist on controlling my life, when she's clearly pushing me away even further (and let's not mention how incredibly rude she is to me/everyone who dares speak to me). And as if my mood can't get any worse, my boyfriend ditched me last night after he told me he was going to take me to watch "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," but he ended up going with some other people and not telling me about it. He completely stood me up and he wasn't even going to tell me! I honestly have no problem with him going out with his friends (I actually encourage him to go out more for the sake of his sanity), but he just flat-out ditched me for a show he doesn't even like! It's like people enjoy making me pissed off.. Not to mention how disgustingly controlling this guy can be; he hates my friends and he simply does not make an effort to at least get along with them. On a more positive note, my "Twin" stayed over for the remainder of the week, and I actually feel a bit liberated. I was not afraid to be myself and I had enough time to vent and just let it all out. It's amazing how one single person could make you feel so happy and free in such a short time. I really am going to miss her. Hopefully it wont be too long before we meet again.

Unravel

     Drifting body it's sole desertion. Flying not yet quite the notion


So I'm running out of ideas on what to write; it seems as though I've pored pretty much all I can trust the world to handle. This whole blog started out as a way for me to vent; to let go of the darkness and hope to one day educate those who have never lived through this hell. I honestly believe that if I never had my eating disorder I would be far more successful. I would have remained in soccer and I would be so much better. The constant purging drove me away from singing for a while, because I couldn't stand the constant burn on my throat. I could be able to memorize things with so much ease, but now I actually have to struggle. The constant paranoia has led me to become someone that I'd never wanted to be; someone lonely, dark, and full of secrets that not even I can handle. Whenever I reach a limit (which tends to happen from time-to-time during recovery), I can't help bunt want to fall back. To starve; to surrender myself with nothing but the walls in my room. I want to tell someone, but what good will that do? People don't want to listen. I'm just a disposable thing, that is only used for giving, but never worthy enough for receiving anything in return. Not that I want anything, of course; but it would be nice to have some sort of friend whom I can actually rely on from time-to-time. Maybe that's just too good to be true.

Lonely Wednesdays

You claim to be my long, absent friend. You are the cancer that just moved in. You come with the dark night of the soul, But I’m turning my back on you, you know I do.


So I want to begin by apologizing to those who still decide to follow this cold and empty blog, I do appreciate it. My journey these past few months have not been the easiest; my mind and my body continue to fight their endless battles that seem to define whether or not I continue living this, far-from-normal, life. I have gained weight, a lot of it, but I honestly have no other choice but to deal with it. My new pastime involves endless hours of working out, rather than eternities debating whether or not to purge my dinner now or overdose on painful laxatives once my mother falls asleep. I am completely convinced that my food problems will never end, and I'm okay with that. There is absolutely nothing that can change my mind and this point and that is honestly nobody's business. I have learnt to keep my temper trapped inside my unstable mind and I have actually gotten myself to wear a bikini a few weeks ago. Sure, not everything's bad, but once the lights go out and the blinds close, I have a tendency to fall back into my dark abyss. Sure, it may not be the best thing to do while recovering, but I can't help but go back into my old sanctuary. As odd as it may be, I feel safe falling into that darkness because that's all I know what to do. This "normal" lifestyle is not meant for me; I can't help but feel overwhelmed by everything that goes on in a "normal person's life". But hopefully one day I will.
 

Not Myself

              We only said goodbye with words I died a hundred times

First of all, I'd like to apologize for my long absence, it seems as though I had hid a point in my life where I wanted to change and try things on my own, and it worked out pretty well, so why am I here? Because everyone has their breaking points, some more than others; and I just hit mine. I'm completely off and, what I suspect, depressed. I don't know what to do with myself. Cris is completely weird and I feel as though he's being utterly fake around me. This isn't the first time I've noticed this, but he acts so different when he's with me and others. He has a double personality and I absolutely HATE when people do that. Lately I can't help but notice how disgustingly fake everyone is, people change their personalities constantly depending on who they are talking with. Why do people hide? I do understand when it's a "professional vs casual"atmosphere, but it's not. It really does sickens me and I just can't bring myself to trust anyone that does that.

I thought I should share this (not mine)

I felt like i should share this with you all. It's a clever poem on which I can relate..I hope you like it.

The thoughts in my head, so loud and consuming

The monster within, raging and fuming

The thoughts in my head, so soft and bound

The angel within, peaceful and sound

———————————————————————————————- 

Walk down the road at night

Look to your left and look to your right

Two people stand along your side

One is your demon the other, his bride

———————————————————————————————- 

The thoughts in my head, so loud and consuming

The monster within, raging and fuming

The thoughts in my head, so soft and bound

The angel within, peaceful and sound

———————————————————————————————- 

Gentle river, flowing tame

Beneath your waters rages a flame

What’s on the surface is not but an illusion

What’s down below is confusion

———————————————————————————————- 

The thoughts in my head, so loud and consuming

The monster within, raging and fuming

The thoughts in my head, so soft and bound

The angel within, peaceful and sound

Simplicity

Trapped between my body and soul, nowhere to run, nowhere to go. I'm standing at the crossroad waiting on my next move, non of which leads me to you.


My dearest desire is to feel cherished and wrapped up in some-sort of love blanket of any kind. I don't know if any of that made sense, but I am incredibly desperate for some sort of affection. I'm craving it, and my body aches for a sign of love. I haven't been this needy in a while. I cant find any explanation for what is going on, but I really need to sort my shit out and find out why my "prince charming" is being such a prick.