The Past is Indestructable

Blind your eyes to what you see;You can't embrace it.Leave it well enough alone And don't remember
Cut your pride and watch it bleed;You can't deny it. Pain you know you can't ignore..

So I really dont know how to start this out, i feel terrible. Im not feeling right, i know i mess up, im not perfect but i hate when people just start bashing on it. I  had to go take some tests today and my doctor noticed the scars on my stomach,.. i felt so embarrased i swear i dont know what to do. I said i got them in a soccer incident. I feel helpless because i ate more than i wanted today. I feel sick to my stomach. I was talking to my best-guy-friend, and oh god, i felt releaved,. i said so much. I was tempted to say more, but I just couldnt find a way to say anything. Everything has its ups and downs, i hate how much people expect me to do things for them, to solve their problems but they just dont care to listen or be there when i need them. I really hope i dont sound selfish or self-centered. I just want someone to be there and give me an honest sighn of hope,.. I cant find that. I know some try but i can tell that they get sick of it, or they just cant find a streight answer to anything. Im like the last to be notified of someting; im the last choice,.. its always been that way. Seing my body reminds me of the ass-holes who once took advantage of it, I feel deformed because thats how they left me. If i prove to myself that i have control, then maybe people would take me more serious and maybe some people would stop trying to fuck me over. I had one too many things/people get taken away from me. My innocence was ripped from me at the tender age of 3. I want to regain that control i never had, i wanna feel weightless and be able to finally take control of my life. I just dont want to live in fear. Everytime i mess up I get taken back to the days when all that happened. Maybe if i was stronger, nothing like that wouldve happened to me.. I just dont know.

deeply disturbed

Release me!No remnants were ever found of it Feeling the hot bile,With every fake smile.Though no evidence was ever found,It never went away completely,..

so i lost ablout 3lbs, im happy but not quite satisfied. You see, the old me would be happy and would be satisfied with the amazing progress she made. Sadly, this isnt me anymore, this just means i have to keep working as hard, if not harder, than how i was. The thought of me becoming this disturbes me, yet the sinisterness just makes me proud. Last night i couldnt help but break down, on the last minute, a dancer decided to give me the news that he cant be in my 15 anymore, i mean i get it but, seriously? If he wasnt ready to commit to it then why make me make all these plans? He didnt even tell me, my boyfriend did. I was left there, worrying . I had to make so much calls and i had to plan everything all over again. I do admit that im pissed off and that if i talk about it to someone i will eventually break down. That would be one of the most horrible things you can do/say to a quinceanera with less than 2months for the party. I mean, wow. Im paniking because i dont know if the guys i wanted could make it.. I dont want to talk to him, i am somewhat dissapointed that he didnt tell me anything or not let me know on time,. Now im scared, i really am. I swear if anyone brings this up, theres no doubt that i will break down.. Good news is that its 12;15pm and i ate oatmeal, (breakfast) and lunch i had frozen strawberries and 3 baby carrots(: i will keep this up and hopefully ill write back with more reports. Im going to the mall! yay distraction.

i was thinking,..

that I'm not going to go to treatment anymore; i don't need to go. I think I'm perfectly fine and i don't have a problem. I'm working out at least 3x a day doing 75 crunches, 25 knee ups (lower belly), 100 twist-thingies, and 300 seconds of this "half sit up" thing and it BURNS. in the morning i eat an apple (no peal) and i eat frozen strawberries (1 cup = 50cals). so far its been pretty hard to keep that up since my moms gonna be home for the next 2days. Ill try surviving. My mind has been working in strange ways for the past,..weeks. My dreams get more blurry, yet more painful every time, I'm either killing myself OR someones doing it for me. I dont know what that means. I had a dream where i was pregnant and i stabbed myself to death, worse thing is that i FELT  it. The pain was so brutal, so real that i couldn't help but picture my own death. My whole life, flashing before my eyes. Most people in circumstances like this end up frightened,..im not. The whole idea seemed a bit calming, i felt somewhat rested, yet i cant help but wonder what it all means,.. All i know is that i am done. I want nothing to do with the hospital anymore,. i cant do it.

I wish,...

So my birthday will be comming up in about...2 more months. I was looking at these cupcakes and i stubbled upon these cupcakes! I dont know anyone that can make these, here in the bay area, which makes me sad. But this is mainly what i want for my party! Anyone that knows me will tell you how much i L.O.V.E hello kitty and the powerpuff girls(: I would literally be the happiest person in the WORLD , hopefully i can find someone or somewhere that makes these!! I know this is a totally random post but, i want people to know that my ED is necesarily everything. Well im off, hopefully today will be great.

Voices

"Can't you imagine how good going through this will make you feel?
I promise, no one will ever know
There will be no chance of you getting caught
They never loved you anyway
So come on,..And do what you are compelled to do,.."

oh god i need help. i feel horrible and,.. i officially broke my promise, thanks to that, im gonna have to fess up to him,.. soon. I had a horrid b/p episode, i swear on my life that i will start doing something about it; im gonna start with the plan i made up yesterday,.. fuck recovery, im not ready for that,. Im sorry everyone,.. i just cant.. You cant expect a drug addict to recover in a week,..you cant make a smoker stop anytime,..well you cant make me stop doing what im doing,..its just too hard. I want to go back to 95lbs, and i swearthat im gonna get there soon,..winter break will be the perfect amount of time for me to get back there. I just want to be me again,..Ill stop at nothing

Pinky Promises

i H.A.T.E making promisses, not only do i have to keep myself from doing something i REALLY want to do, but i also have to change my lifestyle. I promised my boyfriend that i will not purge or use "pills" so now im kinda stuck. I hate this! i just ate and tomorrow i have an appointment with my doctor,. hopefully i could get out of it or at least get more time!!!! Going to the doctor doesnt "scare" me, im used to the needles and the "regular" routine, what terrifies me the most is stepping on that fucken scale. Im terrified of the large 3-digit number i will unfortunatelly see. I wanna go back to my 90's! I wanna be happy and just free. I HATE the fact that ive become very weak, i eat now and im just lazy (or atleast i feel that way) I dont think im a bit attractive, and i simply cant stand the fact that i feel heavy. I get irritated when people say i have a "great" body, i dont want that cause i dont feel great, i wanna be skinny. I wanna be friken "pro" MY happiness, i wanna feel free for once, not being tied up to gross food. I feel inevitably claustrophobic in my own skin and i hate feeling like this. Im trapped in a body i know i dont want,.. and it really sucks! I just wanna feel better,..and im sorry.

FUCK OFF

FUCK EVERYONE, fuck my life, fuck it all. I really cant stand ANYBODY in this pathetic excuse called life. Im done. I dont give a shit if my mom ends up sending me away,. i just dont care anymore. Im pretty aware that im a pathetic excuse for a humain being. There comes a point in someone life where you just get tired of smiling at evryone. Lying to everyone out there especially yourself. I dont know if i can take this stupid crap anymore, its like the world is against me. My mom doesnt believe me, my family is gone, my real friends are out of my reach, my boyfriend has anger issues and i cant stop lying to myself because i know im scared that one day he will go off and i know i cant do anything about it, i have this stupid eating dissorder that doesnt leave me alone, and my stupid tears dont stop falling. I dont want to sound like a total dramatic, but theres only so much i can take. Years and years of hiding my feelings, im done. i just want to be alone,..