Reality Hurts

Everybody is just a stranger but that's the danger in going my own way.I guess it's the price I have to pay still, "Everything happens for a reason" is no reason not to ask myself


I really cant help but question why everything has been bothering me. I feel like I cant be satisfied and its kind of irritating. I know it might bother others, Im pretty aware, but I cant help but not care. My meals mostly consist of fruit and cottage cheese. Drinking water is, ofcourse, the base of it all. My hunger is slowly dissapearing and I dont mind at all. I dont want to tell anyone, I cant torture them with my obsession with food; I think they feel as if im slowly walking away from them. Today my boyfriend told me that I dont talk to him as much, and its true. I cant let him know any of this, Its too embarrassing. Plus, i dont think he'll listen, at least not as much as before. I decided to distance myself from him a bit, he doesnt seem to "open" to the whole talking so i just dont bother to say anything anymore. I rather not speak. Oh, how i hate this feeling, sadly its the only thing i KNOW how to feel..

Unsatisfied

Quivering, shivering, withering.Your mind wont let you say that you're Wondering , pondering , hungering..

I honestly can never understand this emptiness. I cant help but let it take over, spreading like some sort of disease, leaving me with nothing, but why? Why do i feel like I'm still missing something? That last piece left of my puzzle is still missing and i cant help but yearn for it. Suicide is not even an option for me anymore, I don't want to leave my life without figuring out what was left. Whatever, these questions will remain unsolved for now. One thing that really has me thinking is the whole " I love you" situation with my boyfriend. Is it possible for me to love someone when i despise myself? I don't get it. I guess what I can say is that I care a bit too much for him, whatever feeling I'm getting is something unknown to me, something scary, yet beautiful at the same time. I cant help but want to search through these feelings, discover the unknown wonders of it all. I believe that I'm going crazy, and i cant help but want to escape from it all, just for a moment.

Light as a Feather..

So I'm thinking of joining ballet. Not only did I get this idea from seeing Black Swan last night, but Ive been wanting this for a while now. Ballerinas are so graceful, fragile, and yes, thin. I want all three, but the one i want the most is probably very obvious. Last night was great, I haven't been out with my boyfriend and my friends in a long time. No acuardness what-so-ever. The only thing that ticked me off a bit was how perverted he got while watching the movie. Not only was I on my firkin period but, when he sais things like that in front of others, even after hes been like that for a while, it gets annoying and its almost as if thats all he wants from me. So yes, i do in fact get insulted. He later started "calming down" tho, except he was talking about the future and how he loves me and wants us to get married and a house and all that pretty stuff. I gotta say, it is a beautiful thought and its nice to look forward to something so "promising," thing is, I hate believing in those things; I hate bringing my hopes up and later have them crushed. I want to have faith in him, and i do have hope in us but i don't want to. I hate how close I'm getting. I hate the fact that he has the power to destroy me and heal me, at the same time. I hate that i can NEVER hate him, I hate how im vulnerable of everybody else's stupid comments on how "i can do better" or "im too good for him" or even about his physical appearance. I hate that my name goes perfect with his last name. I hate how i cant help but smile every time i see him, how i feel like blushing whenever he appears, the way his arms seem to be the only safe place in this planet, the way his smile seems to brighten my day or when he's sad, i cant help but want to fix it. I hate how I cant help the way that im so vulnerable and he knows it, yet I still deny. I hate how i cant help but press my lips against his and still feel the fire i felt from our first kiss. I hate to admit it but im falling for him, I hate how I cant seem to tell him any of this. I hate hiding but its my only option even though I want just confess this all to him. I hate how this isn't even a fraction of my feelings for him; theres still more, way more, but he cant know, not now. I hate how its almost been 2 years, yet i cant even confess how i truly felt throughout a day. I hate how i don't hate any of this, my fear of life is killing me, but i cant help but hold on.

Walking disaster

Damn what I'm becoming One of them now, Just an opened door On the endless night.
Dark desire burning In my blood now How can I be sure I don't know if I'll be able to fight

So when am I gonna learn? When will i finally understand that I should NOT eat, I shouldn't listen to others, telling me that i should get "better". Don't they get it? I WANT TO DISAPPEAR. My mind has been running around in endless circles, my heart is rotting within me, i cant help but feel some sort of loneliness. This endless disgust is overtaking me, slowly drowning myself, unable to see what everyone else sees. I'm not happy. I know i should and i know i sound selfish,  but i cant help but feel this way. The power of hate has taken over me, flowing through my blood. Becoming me. I want to get out of this but i cant. Ive made a deal with my boyfriend to get better but I'm starting to regret it all. Wish me luck.

Red rubbies

           In the midst of winter, i found there was, within me, an invincible summer(:

So i know i don't post on this thing as much as before, Ive been tired lately. This past month has been nothing but stress. I'm happy to announce that tomorrow I'm celebrating my quinceanera along with my family and friends. The anxiety is making me hungry but i will resist.  Hopefully after all of this ends, everything will turn back to normal and my life would finally be somewhat more stable. The whole situation with my boyfriend is all weird, i actually decided to bring it up yesterday in my appointment, I said that i think he's not taking me seriously anymore and its just not the same. What they told me was that i should go and tell him about it, that communication is the most important thing. So i will, soon. For now, I'm gonna focus on the most typical "girl problems", cutting my hair, dying my hair, buying new clothes, and losing some weight. Yes i know, I'm supposed to recover but fuck it, i want to feel happy, and if theres nothing else, I'm sticking with this.

Money Motivated

            Today im dirty. I want to be pretty. Tomorrow, ill be forever dirt.
Food. Nothing more, nothing less, its just there and it seems to haunt me with no end.. I hate the fact that im weak and most of all, useless. I hate the fact that im looked down on, no respect what so ever, and it kills. I want to be something special, something important. I dont like how i always give into everything. I can never stand on my own, and thats what kills me. Testing my independece with food is my biggest test, im gonna take it and i will pass no matter what comes in my way. Today is the last day of eating "normal", im gonna start by having 1000cals a week (or at least keep it arround there) . On the bright side of things, today i got an early birthday present by one of my mom's friends, he decided to give me $200! Im gonna save that money until after my quinceanera and spend it on clothes. By then, i want to be tinyer. I want to feel comfortable enough to wear something that will show off my petit figure. I am motivated to keep this promise to myself and stop at nothing to finally achieve it. I will become weightless..

Hope is,..

You never go, you're always there.Suffocating me, under my skin. I cannot run away.
Fading Slowly,..

I don't understand  where i should be going with this post, but ill just write what i can, since i didn't really come prepared for any of this,.. Well, my quinceanera is in 19 days and everything seems all too confusing. My stomach has been hurting like hell since i decided to take some pills a few days ago. I told my boyfriend i was gonna try to stop but lately, Ive been stressed out and my body doesn't seem to happy about the constant hecticness of it all. I started off with 7pills the first night. Then 11, then 7 again. Now my stomach is all fucked up. But i cant stop. The voice inside me keeps telling me to eat less and that i deserve what i have coming to me. I  don't deserve to be happy as long as my body is all fat and gross.. To make matters worse, the school met up with my mom and i and basically said that they have no hope in me getting better anytime soon so the treatment will go on. Obviously, i got mad so I'm motivated to relapsing as a "fuck you" to those people. If they expect me to get worse, then ill give them exactly what they want. As of now I'm 101lbs and ill be getting smaller and smaller, until they decide to take me more serious. I'm done with people just looking at me like i cant accomplish anything. Like I'm some stupid little girl, unable to fend for herself. I am nothing to anybody. Things with my boyfriend are starting to get all weird,.. at times i feel like hes either losing interest, or he just started to lose hope in me. We barely even talk anymore, at least not like we used to; our conversations keep going like some routine.When we are in front of people, or even alone, it seems like he really takes advantage of things and tries to make me seem dumb when he acts like a smart ass. My self-esteem is already low, and when things like this happen, i feel like i still need to get fixed in one way or another. Also, people have been talking crap behind my back, saying that i don't go to [cheer]practice because of my various doctors appointments caused by "screwing" my boyfriend. I just find it pathetic how they don't even say it to my face, if they ever did, i can almost swear that i will punch a bitch because they don't know what the fuck is going on anyways,.. Right now my mind is just in utter confusion, spiraling out of control. Tomorrow i might just take a break from it all and just stay home; I'm just exhausted.

I wonder if my boyfriend reads this or if his mom still does...I wonder what they truly think of everything i write in here..that's just a big mystery to me, and I'm scared of figuring out whether its all true or not.