‘As soon as I think I’ve hit rock bottom, some guy hands me a shovel and says, ‘Keep digging, motherfucker.




What a lovely day today turned out to be, I just finished performing for show choir at school, and we sounded fantastic. Now after a long week, I'm here at home drinking green tea and wishing it was friday. Now, my state of mind is quite chaotic. Winter break is coming along and I'm considering the idea of fasting. I know, its been FOREVER since that idea came to mind, but I can't help but want to do it. I'm in the middle of wanting to be fit and toned or being skin and bones. 


In other news, I made it into a musical casting. The people really liked my voice, and I was incredibly proud. Although I didn't get one of the leads, I'm really happy I got in! I've no experience in acting so a small part will be just fine for now. I'm really proud of my voice, though! I havent purged in a while, so this has been a really great accomplishment. Sure, it's much more difficult than when my throat was better, but hey, I'm getting used to it. My throat bleeds every once-in-a-while, but that's okay. I can hear myself improving, and I've been getting amazing compliments from the people that had already heard me sing.


As for my relationship news, I can't help but feel completely weirded out by it...like, I just don't feel completely attracted anymore. I dont know if it's the result of me being too tired to do anything with him, or his lack of motivation to do anything. He doesn't seem like he wants to change at all. I mean, I love him and everything, but the weight gain is just a small example of him not really wanting to do anything, which bothers me a bit. Now, I'm not saying that "fat people are gross," or that "looks are everything," but lets face it, they are a reflection of who we are as a person. Him and I have agreed to workout together every once-in-a-while, but that has never happened. This relationship isn't as excited as it was when we first started. I feel as if im the only one trying out all of these new things and meeting all of these new people and he's just sitting at home playing video games. I dont know, maybe we just gotten to comfortable with each other, which caused us to drift apart for a bit (oh the irony). Maybe it's just me overreacting to nothing. Quite frankly, I just don't know what to do,think, or say anymore so I guess I'll just shut up.

Distant Echo

“What if this storm ends? And I don’t see you, As you are now, Ever again;The Perfect Halo, of gold hair and lightning.What if this storm ends? And leaves us nothing, Except a memory, A distant echo”

I'm not quite sure of my intentions right now. I don't know where I'm going with this post, but I want to write. I've been wanting to write for a while actually, I just never knew what I wanted say. So I'm finally going to sit down and unwrap every script of feeling I have lost inside my mind. Every word tied up into knots inside my head. I want to write and express what I can't in real life. 

I always wondered what it would be like to be just a skeleton. No blood rushing through my veins, no coat of skin to cover me. No fat to save me from the cold. I just want to be a shiny skeleton without the burden of these organs. I want to unwrap myself and see what I really am. My skeleton. The piles of bones that make up....ME. The ones that keep me together and give me a form. I wonder what it would be like to feel nothing. Not knowing the difference between warmth or cold, just staying there. Now, you might say that I would probably be missing out on "life," and that's correct. But, what exactly is life? Sure, i'm breathing, I have a beating heart, but what exactly is "life'? Everyone's view on life is completely different from each others. Everyone has a completely different perspective on what it means to truly live. For others, life doesn't happen until they die, but what then? Are the promises of religion actually fulfilled after death? Is there another part of oblivion that we don't know of? Or are we just born into another life? 

FAT

33910) I thought I was getting better, healthier, happier. I’ve just gotten better 


at lying to myself.


Today was the day I actually looked at myself in the mirror. Like, I actually payed attention to every pound I carry around. I wanted to cry. I felt like screaming and ripping my skin off. What was I thinking? That I could actually gain all of this weight and be okay with it? That I can pull it off and become "healthy?" NO. I feel as though I've been lying to myself and everyone around me. I dont need this..I don't need the humiliation associated with my stupid fat. I don't want to care anymore. I just want to go cry inside a dark cave. I cave so dark and deep, that I eventually forget who I am and what I look like. I don't want to be here anymore.

Sexual Frustruation

Here on this stainless table I come inside you and haunt your dreams.

Baby I don't mind, you can fake it, but come away with me.


I don't quite understand why I'm feeling this way, maybe I'm just lonely, but I want you near me. I miss your touch, your kiss, your warm breath on my neck. I'm not used to writing about this in detail, but I know I was bound to do it sometime. Maybe I'm not sexually frustrated. Maybe I'm just used to having you with me, and I can't quite put it into words yet. Maybe it's just the sound of your hypnotizing voice, the raw intensity of every sound coming out of your mouth. Maybe its the way your body is; every muscle perfectly placed on your arms, your chest. I don't quite know what it is about you, but I can't help but want you near me. From the beginning of it all, I couldn't help but want to be near you; feel our bodies touch, our skin causing beautiful friction. The way you look at me, with those deep brown eyes. That intense, hypnotizing stare you do when talking to me. I want you; yes. But maybe I don't want sex. Maybe I'm just want to feel your presence near mine. I want to hold you, I want to make beautiful music with you. I want to feel my heart racing. I don't want to feel like I miss you; I want you here with me, in the flesh. I want to hear your heartbeat, I want to feel your blood pumping with every breath you take. I want to believe every lyric you wrote, every note you played, every breath you took when you promised me tomorrow. I'm not in love. Then again, I'm not in lust with you either. I want you. I adore you. I need you. Maybe not forever. I want you now, tomorrow can wait. I have all the time in the world.

Escape

I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine and  I know I'll see you again;whether far or soon. But I need you to know that I care and I miss you.


Just a typical Monday where the weather decides to welcome me with it's piercing cold wind,tempting me to crawl back under my covers. Every time winter knocks on my door, I feel as though I should be tinier than I was before. There's something about this weather that makes me want to be fragile and cold. It's amazing actually, while other's are striving for warmth, I want to feel cold in a much deeper extent. I want to challenge myself to be as cold as the weather outside. I mean, winter is such a beautiful season, so why can't I? Last night, my boyfriend decided to take me to the movies and stay warm. Now, I don't really know how this happened, but  I just felt like I left my body. I felt the cold wind piercing my skin, with an intensity that was just too surreal at that moment. I felt as though I was being welcomed into a surrounding I once was so familiar with. I remember stepping into a small french cafe after the movie ended, and I felt completely disgusted with the food. In order for him not to worry, I ordered a cup of green tea  and a salad. I began picking at my food while I took gulps of my tea. I remember spacing out and slowly coming back to life again. He later invited me for some dessert and my mood completely changed. I began to get angry for no reason; I was disgusted. We later went outside to the cold rain and found a dry spot near a building. As we began kissing, I caught myself thinking of the calories I would be burning while I was kissing him (since making out burns about 25cals a minute). I later thought about how much fat I would be burning if I stayed out in the cold for longer, and how much the green tea would affect me. All of these thoughts began coming back, as though I've been storing them for ages. I don't know whether to be scared or not, but I am quite happy to say that I'm gaining the control I lost. I know these thoughts are "bad," but I can't help but feel ready. Then again, I hope I can stop myself before it's too late.

It's been a while..

You sink into my clothes, this invasion makes me feel Worthless, hopeless, sick.




So it's obviously been a while since I decided to grace you all with my presence.(ha) Well, it's disappointing to say that not much has changed these past few months, same old disappointing; worthless feelings. I can't help but feel happy that I'm back. I missed the intimacy of this blog and the raw-feeling I get when I'm writing. Right now I'm just trying to keep my mind off of the breakfast I had. Although all I ate was a fat-free crepe (that I made myself), I can't help but feel a tiny bit of guilt. Throughout these past few months I did try recovering, and as a matter of fact, I am currently in that process as we speak. However, I did cool it down a bit. What I mean with that is, that during the summer, I attended this EDIOP group at the hospital; I was endangered of being hospitalized if I didn't attend to my various doctor's appointments. I started gaining some weight so I decided to leave as the school year approached. I tried balancing my weight with doing various exercises throughout the week. Although I can pretty much say that I've had a more stable mentality than I did before, I would be lying to you if I said I was fully recovered. While everyone else thinks I am, I'm sitting here trying to calm my mind down before I commit something crazy. I can't begin to explain how many times I have tried committing suicide these past few months. I am still considering it. 


In other news, I'm still with my boyfriend; it's been 2 years since we got together. We celebrated our anniversary last month at San Francisco. Getting away from all the food was really tough. No matter what I do, I cannot get it to shut up. My doctor keeps recommending me to go on birth control (because of the boyfriend), but I'm not necessarily "sexually active." Sure, we do fool around every once-in-a-while, but we don't take it THAT far...I would never. I am too frighted with the thought of gaining so much weight because of a baby. I can't seem to wrap my thoughts around that. I also wouldn't want to mess up his/her life up. Not only am I too young for one, but I am also to insane to even take care of one. I'll use my nephew as my example. He  knew about my bulimia and helped me keep it a secret. He guarded the door while I was puking my brains out, and made excuses for me when I didn't want to eat. While he was doing all of this for me, you can see on his little face how scared he was. He used to be on the verge of crying. He wanted me to eat, and would do anything for me to have something in my system. He's gone now (moved to Texas with my sister), and he is very anti-social. I feel somewhat responsible for at least part of it. He is very mature for his age, sometimes even too mature. I really hope that one day he can forgive me. Same goes to everyone else in my life. I am so sorry..

TUMBLR!

So nothing much happened today, except i have a tumblr(x
please follow and tell your people to follow!
ill still be going on here, ill just start posting a few things over there.
thanks(x
http://myybeautifuldisasterr.tumblr.com/