Creeping Shadows

Releasing the vapour into the lung; letting the wings unfurl. And for a moment I feel young.



I feel as though I'm going into the wrong direction. As if I'm stepping into a dark abyss, leading me nowhere. I hate writing all of these depressing posts. For once, I want to tell you that I found peace and that I'm happy with myself; but I can't. What I write here are my private thoughts. Thoughts that are scattered inside my mind, meant for no one else but myself. I don't feel comfortable enough with my peers in order to talk to them about this. I hate bumming people out with my own stupidity; because what I do to myself IS stupid. My therapists, doctors, and family have made it very clear that I am a complete fool for doing this to myself.I cant help but to agree, but then again, they will never understand the horrors coming alive in my nightmares. I'm not happy. I haven't been since I was very young. I think its too early in my life for me to be feeling this bitter. I have been blessed with so many things, it's incredible really, but why can't i give an honest smile? It's like I don't deserve any of this, it's obvious that I need something, but what? Love? I have family and a boyfriend, and an amazing best friend. Money? I don't need it. I barely like going shopping anyways. So, what is it? I don't understand what is going on inside my head! It's aggravating and driving me insane. I guess I do need help, but who do I reach out for to help me?

Decadence

Blind leading the blind.Reaping what I've sown.If it all amounts to nothing then, why am I standing in this line?

The utter torment of spending the day alone really gets to me. It's as if the silence invites my inner thoughts to overpower me, covering up my mind with its apathetic reasoning. Making me drive myself into the insanity that is my ED. Oh how I hate eating, and I hate purging even more. It saddens me really, not because I'm damaging myself, but because I have a new kitten, and she started to get scared. Her reaction reminded me of my nephew, who later on covered for me whenever I decided to purge my sister's dinner out. He used to look so sad, he begged me to stop various times. It sucked because my sister spent her whole days partying and working. Now, she wasnt a bad mother, on the contrary, she was the strongest person I have ever met. See, her fiance was sent to jail because he attempted to kill a man, all because he let his jealousy take over. He led my sister onto believing that he wanted to marry her and, who knows, he was going to kill her next. All of this happened weeks before she was going to get married, which led her into a devastating depression that hit everyone in the family. As for my nephew, he had to be the strong older brother who saw his father being taken away by the cops. My nephew happens to be THE strongest 10 year old I have ever seen in my life. Therefore, watching him witness me killing myself made me feel like a complete piece of shit. The kid really looked up to me. Today was one of those purging moments where I felt my life flash before me. I saw all of my mistakes pass right in front of me. Now, I'm just trying to cope for the rest of the day. 

Mirrors

Feel the hollowness inside of your heart..and it's all right where it belongs


First of all, I would like to let everyone know that I wish you a merry christmas, and thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I'm pretty happy to know that my blog gets about 30 views (or more) a day, it's astonishing really. Now, to proceed from this moment, I'll go into my minuscule vent..


Is it strange that I am completely afraid of mirrors? I mean, I can never look at them for too long because I feel that something is going to happen. Plus, every mirror seems to lie to me. I don't know whether its showing me progress or a reminder that I am in desperate need of a fast. I don't know if it's reality or my ED speaking. Just to let you guys know, I've purged twice this week and used the "pills" twice also. I have been restricting a good amount and I hope to keep it up. However, today I slipped a bit and binged so I'm just writing along to distract my disgust in myself..


My family has to be the most annoying and hypocritical people in the face of this planet. I swear, I'm trapped inside this cage-of-a-house without a way to get out. My mom and my brother expect me to suddenly become a servant because I started winter break. I know, they need help around the house, but asking me to do the same thing EVERY DAY is completely annoying. I know I probably sound like some spoiled girl who complains about cleaning, but there's more to that. They constantly humiliate me and, to make things more exciting, they treat me like some irresponsible that needs to be taught a lesson every few hours.


Ever since my brother came, I feel as though everything has been completely off. I know he bales me off whenever I want to go out, but he acts as if he's better than everyone. He's constantly talking about all of the girls he had, and all the "money" and "cars" he once owned...ONCE. If he was "all that" he wouldn't be living with his mother again. He wouldn't be asking for money every couple of minutes. It seems as though he doesn't know how to appreciate anything, since he is constantly demanding for more. Not once did I ever hear him ASK for anything. One of the things I hate about him (other than his constant ability to degrade women) is the fact that he's always complaining about my mom. I feel as though his rants are completely unnecessary because my mom is the one helping him out with EVERYTHING. He should seriously start getting a grip on reality, because he has caused a lot of problems in the family, an he knows it.

Blabber

I'm just going to start off by wishing everyone good luck on their finals. To be quite honest, finals don't terrify me as much as they do to others. Now, enough of this, I basically came to write about my purge session tonight. It's quite terrifying, but at the same time comforting, stepping into a once-known place. I don't really know what triggered me to do it, it just happened. I have no idea what will happen at this point on, but I'm pretty determined to go along with it; even if it means I have to suffer a bit.

Going for it

As I walked through the door she was still in my head.As I entered the room she was laid there in bed..She reached out for me all twisted in black. I was on my way down, never coming back
I went to the emergency last night because I had this aching pain in my chest, which later let to a panic attack. I couldn't help but feel a small amount of security in this simple death scare. A part of me felt weak and I felt as though I was about to drift apart. As I got to the hospital, they decide to check my weight. It's been a while since I've been in there and as I took the first step into the scale, I saw the numbers rise; it showed 108lbs. I tried cutting myself some slack because I was wearing shoes and baggy clothes, so my estimate final weight was between 106-107lbs...too much. The weight shocked me completely, which led to another panic attack and an unbearable pain in the chest. I had to wait in the waiting room for what seems like forever; unattended and forgotten. I had many tests on my heart and they came to the conclusion that I had swelling on the muscles by my heart. To wrap this all up, I found a great diet to follow  in order to lose these final pounds. soo....here it is:

The ballerina diet

Ballerina diet is very effective because it allows not only reducing weight but keeping it up. In this diet there is no list of required products.

Ballerina Diet – the rules
1. Do not overeat.
2. You can not combine different protein products, such as meat and fish.
3. At lunch should be eaten only soup.
4. When preparing food, do not add salt to it.
5. Milk and dairy products should not contain fat.
6. You should drink about 2 liters of mineral water without gas. You can not drink 30 minutes before meals.

Compliance with these simple and reasonable rules will allow you to easily reduce weight, normalize metabolism and improve your health.

Ballerina Diet
Breakfast: 1 / 3 pack nonfat cottage cheese and a glass of warm 1% -3% of milk or yogurt.
Second breakfast: bread and butter, a cup of coffee, a teaspoon of honey
Lunch: a tablespoon of cooked rice, drink one cup of broth and eat a piece of meat, not more than 150 g.
Snack: an orange or apple.
Dinner: two hours before bedtime drink a glass of warm milk or yogurt with one teaspoon of honey.

Advantages: it’s really low calorie diet, which can effectively lose weight.Ballerina diet will allow you not only get a perfect shape, but also to preserve endurance.

Disadvantages: not enough vitamins, small portions.

Ballerina diet repeated a few days until you reach the desired effect

After I finish with this one, I'll slowly will be going into another one thats a bit more....extreme

Nightmare

If I scare you now, don't run from me. I've been hiding my pain, you see


Good morning my dears, It's currently 5am and I've been awake for the past hour, or so. Why am I up so early? Great question, I had one of those seemingly realistic nightmares that take place in my room. To be quite honest, I have a feeling it was all real. I felt something pushing on my rib cage and whispering something weird to my ear. I saw my room as it was, but this weird force didn't let me go. Now, I'm inanely tired, but too scared to shut my eyes. Plus, I'm trying to debate whether eating is a good idea, or not. Oh the agony :P

Must not eat

My fingers reach through the screen and comb through the garbage until they find the home of the shrieking chorus, hungry girls singing endless anthems while our throats bleed and rust and fill up with loneliness. I could scroll through these songs for the rest o my life and never find the beginning.

I hate my fat stomach. I feel incredibly lost within myself, I dont want to keep going like this. I realized how easy it is  to lie to my mom again. I guess since it's been month since I've shown any sign of an ED around her, she seems more comfortable in believing that I already ate. Obviously I'll end up distracting my hunger with some green tea tonight.