Time Flies

Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds, dreaming aloud. Things just won't do without you.Matter of fact, if you walk out on me, I'm walking after you.


What an interesting month this has been, so full of mishaps and abnormalities (if I do say so myself). I must admit, my dear followers, readers, and lurkers, that I am as relaxed as I've ever been. I don't know if its the result of a day full of cramps, or just the fact that I've been some-what dancing tonight. I think that this post will be the first ever non-ED related thing I have ever written. (yay). I guess I can say that my mind is finally figuring itself out and I came to the conclusion that I am very dull. My clothes is not exciting, I dont workout anymore so my body is shitty, I'm not full of tremendous stories or anything of that sort. Shit, I don't even spend more than a couple of hours with my so-called boyfriend for more than once a week. It's as though everyone is finally figured out what they want while im still here; no movement at all. In order for me to feel like I'm worth something, I make sure my schedule is strictly full. What annoys me the most out of this, is the fact that my boyfriend complains about me being "too busy" and "not having enough time," yet, he doesn't do anything about spending time with me when i DON'T have anything to do. The only reason why I even get to see him during the weekend is the fact that I ask HIM out instead of it being the other way around. Now, I know there is nothing wrong with the girl asking the guy out but, I do it ALL THE TIME. He does nothing romantic with me, he never tries to impress me anymore, it's always so boring and irritating. Which brings me to the point of ME being dull. Maybe the fact that I'm not dressing "sexy" or "spontaneous" brings him down a bit. My style doesn't excite him and motivates him to do anything with me. Like, when we started to date, we used to get out of town and try new things; we didn't give a fuck! Now, he plays by the rules and just settles for less. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I truly think that this is my fault. But whatever, we'll see what happens. Thanks for reading.


P.S. PLEASE, keep my friend's father in your prayers (whether you believe in God or not, please wish her the best). Things have been going on, and she is the sweetest person EVER, and she doesn't deserve to feel any sort of negative emotion. Please keep her in mind, thanks

No Feelings. No Pain.

Sometimes these things they are so easy.Sometimes these things they are so cold.Sometimes these things just seem to rip you right in two


I'm the numbest I've ever been. Absolutely nothing phases me anymore, I'm like a rock and nothing can damage me. I don't know exactly why I'm feeling this way, but it's happening and it's taking over every part of me. Everything is absolutely gray to me, there's no color, no emotion what-so-ever. I don't think anyone deserves seeing me like this. My boyfriend feels detached from me, my best friend thinks I don't trust her, and both my mom and dad think I'm trying to kill myself. Just the other day, I took a good amount of "pills" and the next day, I was so weak that I passed out about 5 times in a row. The pain was absolutely unbearable, and throughout the whole time, I felt as if death was already taking me with him. But no, he was teasing me and causing me, and everyone around me , pain. The other day I went to my therapists office and I pretty much told her that I was feeling completely off. One part of me is willing to recover, and wants a better life. That part of me wants to be healthy and happy...However, the other part wants me to keep holding on to ANA. She doesn't want me to let go because I'm not skinny enough. That part of me made me lose 4lbs because 110 (my highest weight) was just too much to handle. Now im 106 and my first goal is to get to 103..then 100..98..95...ect. I want to feel petit and beautiful. I don't care what the doctors tell me, this is what I want and I will get there. I don't care if I have to go into a recovery program...Then again, why does my weight matter so much? Why is my life being controlled by these stupid numbers? Why cant I stop with this obsession? I don't want to end up in the hospital...do I?

Tangled

Take hold my hand, and hold it tighter, ever tighter .You must believe that I love you still ,but my strength, it grows weaker, and weaker and my body has lost its will 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs! I want to cry, I want to throw everything in sight. I want to mess up my house, so that people can see how messed up I am in my mind. I think of this every-single-fucken-day, and no one seems to notice. I can't handle gaining a single pound. I dont want to be here. I want to run away and never come back. Everyone here is a selfish prick. I can't trust anyone. I feel as if I listen, but once I want to speak, no one is there. I just feel like breaking down right now, but I cant...because my brother is in the kitchen, and I have too much pride to ever let a single tear escape my eyes. Doesnt anyone notice? I barely speak. I'm trapped inside my pitiful mind, which can't decide whether I want to recover or not. I'm sick of feeling like a failure, but not knowing where I'm failing at. If I don't eat, I think of how I'm failing recovery. If I do eat, I feel like I'm failing myself and giving into being fat. I just can't stand it anymore. I want to do something drastic, then again, I don't want to cause too much attention to myself. Each day that passes me by, just seems to weaken me even more. There are days where I have no energy to go to school. I get physically sick from my stupid depression/anxiety. I honestly can't decide what I want to do anymore. I just want to disappear for a while; maybe just a little bit longer.

Creeping Shadows

Releasing the vapour into the lung; letting the wings unfurl. And for a moment I feel young.



I feel as though I'm going into the wrong direction. As if I'm stepping into a dark abyss, leading me nowhere. I hate writing all of these depressing posts. For once, I want to tell you that I found peace and that I'm happy with myself; but I can't. What I write here are my private thoughts. Thoughts that are scattered inside my mind, meant for no one else but myself. I don't feel comfortable enough with my peers in order to talk to them about this. I hate bumming people out with my own stupidity; because what I do to myself IS stupid. My therapists, doctors, and family have made it very clear that I am a complete fool for doing this to myself.I cant help but to agree, but then again, they will never understand the horrors coming alive in my nightmares. I'm not happy. I haven't been since I was very young. I think its too early in my life for me to be feeling this bitter. I have been blessed with so many things, it's incredible really, but why can't i give an honest smile? It's like I don't deserve any of this, it's obvious that I need something, but what? Love? I have family and a boyfriend, and an amazing best friend. Money? I don't need it. I barely like going shopping anyways. So, what is it? I don't understand what is going on inside my head! It's aggravating and driving me insane. I guess I do need help, but who do I reach out for to help me?

Decadence

Blind leading the blind.Reaping what I've sown.If it all amounts to nothing then, why am I standing in this line?

The utter torment of spending the day alone really gets to me. It's as if the silence invites my inner thoughts to overpower me, covering up my mind with its apathetic reasoning. Making me drive myself into the insanity that is my ED. Oh how I hate eating, and I hate purging even more. It saddens me really, not because I'm damaging myself, but because I have a new kitten, and she started to get scared. Her reaction reminded me of my nephew, who later on covered for me whenever I decided to purge my sister's dinner out. He used to look so sad, he begged me to stop various times. It sucked because my sister spent her whole days partying and working. Now, she wasnt a bad mother, on the contrary, she was the strongest person I have ever met. See, her fiance was sent to jail because he attempted to kill a man, all because he let his jealousy take over. He led my sister onto believing that he wanted to marry her and, who knows, he was going to kill her next. All of this happened weeks before she was going to get married, which led her into a devastating depression that hit everyone in the family. As for my nephew, he had to be the strong older brother who saw his father being taken away by the cops. My nephew happens to be THE strongest 10 year old I have ever seen in my life. Therefore, watching him witness me killing myself made me feel like a complete piece of shit. The kid really looked up to me. Today was one of those purging moments where I felt my life flash before me. I saw all of my mistakes pass right in front of me. Now, I'm just trying to cope for the rest of the day. 

Mirrors

Feel the hollowness inside of your heart..and it's all right where it belongs


First of all, I would like to let everyone know that I wish you a merry christmas, and thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I'm pretty happy to know that my blog gets about 30 views (or more) a day, it's astonishing really. Now, to proceed from this moment, I'll go into my minuscule vent..


Is it strange that I am completely afraid of mirrors? I mean, I can never look at them for too long because I feel that something is going to happen. Plus, every mirror seems to lie to me. I don't know whether its showing me progress or a reminder that I am in desperate need of a fast. I don't know if it's reality or my ED speaking. Just to let you guys know, I've purged twice this week and used the "pills" twice also. I have been restricting a good amount and I hope to keep it up. However, today I slipped a bit and binged so I'm just writing along to distract my disgust in myself..


My family has to be the most annoying and hypocritical people in the face of this planet. I swear, I'm trapped inside this cage-of-a-house without a way to get out. My mom and my brother expect me to suddenly become a servant because I started winter break. I know, they need help around the house, but asking me to do the same thing EVERY DAY is completely annoying. I know I probably sound like some spoiled girl who complains about cleaning, but there's more to that. They constantly humiliate me and, to make things more exciting, they treat me like some irresponsible that needs to be taught a lesson every few hours.


Ever since my brother came, I feel as though everything has been completely off. I know he bales me off whenever I want to go out, but he acts as if he's better than everyone. He's constantly talking about all of the girls he had, and all the "money" and "cars" he once owned...ONCE. If he was "all that" he wouldn't be living with his mother again. He wouldn't be asking for money every couple of minutes. It seems as though he doesn't know how to appreciate anything, since he is constantly demanding for more. Not once did I ever hear him ASK for anything. One of the things I hate about him (other than his constant ability to degrade women) is the fact that he's always complaining about my mom. I feel as though his rants are completely unnecessary because my mom is the one helping him out with EVERYTHING. He should seriously start getting a grip on reality, because he has caused a lot of problems in the family, an he knows it.

Blabber

I'm just going to start off by wishing everyone good luck on their finals. To be quite honest, finals don't terrify me as much as they do to others. Now, enough of this, I basically came to write about my purge session tonight. It's quite terrifying, but at the same time comforting, stepping into a once-known place. I don't really know what triggered me to do it, it just happened. I have no idea what will happen at this point on, but I'm pretty determined to go along with it; even if it means I have to suffer a bit.