amused

So break yourself against my stones and spit your pity in my soul.You never needed any help...
You sold me out to save yourself...

So this is just dedicated to all the asshole men who've taken place in ruining my life. FUCK YOU. Cheating, raping, abusing, and taking advantage of me. Fuck all the liars and the sluts who decided to play this little fucken mind game. I dont need anyone to be happy, at times i just really want to go away, shoot you all for all i care. These thoughts come from memories and experiences that make you guys more than a pittiful excuse for human being. I never needed anybody to be happy, so go away and let me be, you mean nothing. You're just the opposite of what you claim to be you fucken asshole. One day you will get what you deserve and ill be watching, just as you burn with the rest of them. Paranoid? insane? I DONT GIVE A DAMN, you caused this so enjoy the ride. I regret ever trusting you and believeing in your pittiful word. Wanna play a game? then its on. Welcome to your personal asylum bitch.

Forsaken

I'm over it! You see I'm falling in the vast abyss; Clouded by memories of the past
At last, I see...

So I welcomed my new year with many,.."life changing" experiences. Alas, theres nothing i can really do about it, just wait and see until my life decides to get just a tiny bit better. I still cant shake the fact that people still like messing with me. Just the other day, I got a message that my boyfriend was seen holding hands, and getting really close, to some girl. I, being...me, freaked out (i mean, who wouldn't?) and things got all bad. Turns out, nothing happened. Placing the pieces together started to make a bit more sense; but one can never be too sure. I wouldn't know what to think in a situation like this; i am inevitably full of utter confusion and i sort of hate it. Situations that i cannot control condemn me to fall into my ED, the only thing i can control. If only people could understand, that i don't CHOOSE to be like this; its all part of the hole "cause and effect" cycle. Also, my nightmares don't seem to stop, i keep on waking up every hour of the night and i just cant rest. The only thing that seemed to brighten up my year was when my boyfriend and mom finally settled things out. To be honest, I thought it would've resulted a bit worse,. I'm happy it didn't.
Oh, and about "Ana", i think I'm back. Goodbye doctors, i don't need you anymore,..

Burry me,..

"Down in a hole and they've put all the stones in their place. Ive eaten the sun so my tongue has been burned of the taste. I have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth. I will speak no more of my feelings beneath.."

I guess when I'm feeling like crap, i try covering it up with lust. I know it might not sound so nice but, sometimes that's all i got. I hate how twisted my emotions get, i don't cut, i cant purge, and i have to eat more "normal," just to convince my doctors that I'm better so that i can get the fuck out of treatment. I don't like talking about my feelings, i barely even do that with my boyfriend. I don't get the point of it. At night, i get these weird nightmares, and i am officially terrified of my room. Last night I had a weird nightmare involving my best friend and my boyfriend, having an affair; the night before, i dreamt i was being chased, and later raped, by someone i don't really remember. I don't understand these dreams at all. I'm not even safe in my own dreams anymore, so now I'm compelled to suffer a bit more. My body feels disgusting, and the fact that my boyfriend keeps holding me, makes me feel a bit more insecure. I need to buy myself more pills (or steal), i need to start controlling my life a bit more. Until then, i shall sleep in my couch..

This is for you

Ever since the day you left my fate's been set unknown. How many years to walk this path alone?
So much to see tonight, so why'd you close your eyes? Why can't I shut mine?

Dear Jenny,

    Where did you go? Why did you have to leave me behind? Why was I left with this monster, haunting and destroying every sane part of my mind. I'm not myself anymore, I feel lost. I don't belong here; I have no where else to know. You left me trapped in this never ending nightmare where happiness seems to be unknown. I'm sorry I let you down, I couldnt help it. Im sorry you had to see these insecurities show. We dont deserve this, at least i hope not. You were once so happy, without a simple care in the world. Life was never perfect, but you had hope; everything could always get better. We were once so positive, what happened? One day, we will be reunited and this nightmare will end. We will be free, but for now, ill just keep on searching for you. Even if it kills.

 Love,
 Me

nightmares

you don't remember me but i remember you. i lie awake and try so hard not to think of you, but who can decide what they dream? and dream i do...

Before i begin, Im happy to say that its 2011. New year and new resolutions! I also wanted to point out the picture i decided to use. No, its not my foot, but it should be. I love who made this because it just made my day. So thank you stranger. Now back to the blog. I spent New Year's over at my friends house at some cow-town. I couldnt sleep, especially for the fact that i ate like a grimy little pig, i felt horrible. Plus, ive been getting weird dreams (nothing new) but these involve my mom and something happening to her, and i have the right to panic. Maybe that's why i decided to get into some argument with my boyfriend. I dont regret saying anything, i know for a fact that i had the right to state my opinion. Getting mad at your boyfriend because he was going to hang out with a girl, alone, should be enough to get any girl upset. Its not that i dont trust him, but thats just taking things pretty far.There's just that line of respect that he basically crossed. Im happy that he let me know, instead of him just going, but anyone out there would probably consider that cheating and i dont want people to start saying that im to "easy" or just another stupid girl that has no idea of whats going on. I would hate that and i would be embarrassed. I was pretty mad though, like to the point where i was shaking, i guess it was because i didnt really know what to think and how it reminded me of my ex boyfriend who decided to play me and get at this girl, claiming it was his "friend" and that they were just "hanging out". Things like this, i would really like to talk to him about, but i just want to drop it. I dont want to make it a bigger deal than it really is. I just really hope he honestly understood and that he's being honest when he said he's not going to do that. I just wish that he could appologize more often. Just say that he didnt know it would affect me so much, or anything like that; but i guess we cant all have everything. I just want it to work. I hope im not another fool..

Desperate

Time and time again,..I stand at the crossroad, Where the weight of my burden Eclipses my resolve..This broken path I've chosen I walk it alone.Though I feel forgotten You've carved my name in stone,..

Well Christmas finally passed, gained. BUT, i managed to lose about 5lbs in a couple of days due to my restricting. I don't want to reveal my weight for the simple fact that; I DONT WANT TO JINX IT. I will reveal my weight once i get to my goal (hint: only 5lbs to go!). Well enough of that, I finally spent time with my boyfriend all day yesterday and i got to admit, i really did miss him. Its weird because i never think that he does. I dont know if he does this on purpose but, his "tough guy" image really prohibits me to get any emotion out of him sometimes. I mean, he is corny and he has his "gullible" moments, but theres just times where he really does make question whether he really loves me or not. I guess its just a guy thing. Either way, I decide to just drop it and try to take advantage of the times where he's mine and I know that i might be too young to be talking about "love" and I'm completely aware of that, that's why i try avoiding the subject as much as i can. Plus, i know for a fact that I'm not in love with him or anyone, that's still pretty unreachable for me. I love him, as i  really care for him, and i some-what trust him. I know for a fact that, some of the things i write in this blog are pretty unknown to him, same for the previous blog i had. I don't want to be like the girls who fall "in love" with guys in the first week they've gone out and act obsessed and stupid in front of everyone. I try too hard to avoid anything like that. I like taking my precious time..
But enough about that, I'm happy to say that I'm finally leaving this hell-town and spending the rest of my break with my best friend. Finally, i can be free in a place away from home. I cant wait! I'm also trying to avoid going to the doctor's office today, I dint want some guy to tell me how I'm doing and how I'm supposed to be doing. F*** that, i can do fine all by myself. Besides, i dont have a problem,..

merry fucken christmas,..

Watching me, wanting me,.I can feel you pull me down. Fearing you... loving you I won't let you pull me down

So this Christmas has to be one of the saddest ever. My siblings are gone, my mom's working, and my "father" bailed on me and decided to go to Sacramento. I mean, really? What did i do to deserve this? I mean, i know I'm not necessarily a "good" girl, but i don't think this is totally fair. I lost my appetite, i feel gross beyond belief. On the bright side, i spent all night texting my boyfriend and had an interesting conversation with him. I won't complain, i got entertained. As always, something always leads to another; he was telling me how much he loves me and all that pretty stuff that us girls love to hear. I have to admit, i sometimes like believing all of it is true. I like knowing i have something to believe in, something that i can actually look forward on doing in the future. Its scary to think that maybe life can be this easy, although it seems to good to be true. But who knows? I'm still keeping my guard up, at least until we're together for,...lets say,...3-4more years? I'm testing him, so far, he's passing. One year and 2,almost 3, months(: