Going for it

As I walked through the door she was still in my head.As I entered the room she was laid there in bed..She reached out for me all twisted in black. I was on my way down, never coming back
I went to the emergency last night because I had this aching pain in my chest, which later let to a panic attack. I couldn't help but feel a small amount of security in this simple death scare. A part of me felt weak and I felt as though I was about to drift apart. As I got to the hospital, they decide to check my weight. It's been a while since I've been in there and as I took the first step into the scale, I saw the numbers rise; it showed 108lbs. I tried cutting myself some slack because I was wearing shoes and baggy clothes, so my estimate final weight was between 106-107lbs...too much. The weight shocked me completely, which led to another panic attack and an unbearable pain in the chest. I had to wait in the waiting room for what seems like forever; unattended and forgotten. I had many tests on my heart and they came to the conclusion that I had swelling on the muscles by my heart. To wrap this all up, I found a great diet to follow  in order to lose these final pounds. soo....here it is:

The ballerina diet

Ballerina diet is very effective because it allows not only reducing weight but keeping it up. In this diet there is no list of required products.

Ballerina Diet – the rules
1. Do not overeat.
2. You can not combine different protein products, such as meat and fish.
3. At lunch should be eaten only soup.
4. When preparing food, do not add salt to it.
5. Milk and dairy products should not contain fat.
6. You should drink about 2 liters of mineral water without gas. You can not drink 30 minutes before meals.

Compliance with these simple and reasonable rules will allow you to easily reduce weight, normalize metabolism and improve your health.

Ballerina Diet
Breakfast: 1 / 3 pack nonfat cottage cheese and a glass of warm 1% -3% of milk or yogurt.
Second breakfast: bread and butter, a cup of coffee, a teaspoon of honey
Lunch: a tablespoon of cooked rice, drink one cup of broth and eat a piece of meat, not more than 150 g.
Snack: an orange or apple.
Dinner: two hours before bedtime drink a glass of warm milk or yogurt with one teaspoon of honey.

Advantages: it’s really low calorie diet, which can effectively lose weight.Ballerina diet will allow you not only get a perfect shape, but also to preserve endurance.

Disadvantages: not enough vitamins, small portions.

Ballerina diet repeated a few days until you reach the desired effect

After I finish with this one, I'll slowly will be going into another one thats a bit more....extreme

Nightmare

If I scare you now, don't run from me. I've been hiding my pain, you see


Good morning my dears, It's currently 5am and I've been awake for the past hour, or so. Why am I up so early? Great question, I had one of those seemingly realistic nightmares that take place in my room. To be quite honest, I have a feeling it was all real. I felt something pushing on my rib cage and whispering something weird to my ear. I saw my room as it was, but this weird force didn't let me go. Now, I'm inanely tired, but too scared to shut my eyes. Plus, I'm trying to debate whether eating is a good idea, or not. Oh the agony :P

Must not eat

My fingers reach through the screen and comb through the garbage until they find the home of the shrieking chorus, hungry girls singing endless anthems while our throats bleed and rust and fill up with loneliness. I could scroll through these songs for the rest o my life and never find the beginning.

I hate my fat stomach. I feel incredibly lost within myself, I dont want to keep going like this. I realized how easy it is  to lie to my mom again. I guess since it's been month since I've shown any sign of an ED around her, she seems more comfortable in believing that I already ate. Obviously I'll end up distracting my hunger with some green tea tonight.

‘As soon as I think I’ve hit rock bottom, some guy hands me a shovel and says, ‘Keep digging, motherfucker.




What a lovely day today turned out to be, I just finished performing for show choir at school, and we sounded fantastic. Now after a long week, I'm here at home drinking green tea and wishing it was friday. Now, my state of mind is quite chaotic. Winter break is coming along and I'm considering the idea of fasting. I know, its been FOREVER since that idea came to mind, but I can't help but want to do it. I'm in the middle of wanting to be fit and toned or being skin and bones. 


In other news, I made it into a musical casting. The people really liked my voice, and I was incredibly proud. Although I didn't get one of the leads, I'm really happy I got in! I've no experience in acting so a small part will be just fine for now. I'm really proud of my voice, though! I havent purged in a while, so this has been a really great accomplishment. Sure, it's much more difficult than when my throat was better, but hey, I'm getting used to it. My throat bleeds every once-in-a-while, but that's okay. I can hear myself improving, and I've been getting amazing compliments from the people that had already heard me sing.


As for my relationship news, I can't help but feel completely weirded out by it...like, I just don't feel completely attracted anymore. I dont know if it's the result of me being too tired to do anything with him, or his lack of motivation to do anything. He doesn't seem like he wants to change at all. I mean, I love him and everything, but the weight gain is just a small example of him not really wanting to do anything, which bothers me a bit. Now, I'm not saying that "fat people are gross," or that "looks are everything," but lets face it, they are a reflection of who we are as a person. Him and I have agreed to workout together every once-in-a-while, but that has never happened. This relationship isn't as excited as it was when we first started. I feel as if im the only one trying out all of these new things and meeting all of these new people and he's just sitting at home playing video games. I dont know, maybe we just gotten to comfortable with each other, which caused us to drift apart for a bit (oh the irony). Maybe it's just me overreacting to nothing. Quite frankly, I just don't know what to do,think, or say anymore so I guess I'll just shut up.

Distant Echo

“What if this storm ends? And I don’t see you, As you are now, Ever again;The Perfect Halo, of gold hair and lightning.What if this storm ends? And leaves us nothing, Except a memory, A distant echo”

I'm not quite sure of my intentions right now. I don't know where I'm going with this post, but I want to write. I've been wanting to write for a while actually, I just never knew what I wanted say. So I'm finally going to sit down and unwrap every script of feeling I have lost inside my mind. Every word tied up into knots inside my head. I want to write and express what I can't in real life. 

I always wondered what it would be like to be just a skeleton. No blood rushing through my veins, no coat of skin to cover me. No fat to save me from the cold. I just want to be a shiny skeleton without the burden of these organs. I want to unwrap myself and see what I really am. My skeleton. The piles of bones that make up....ME. The ones that keep me together and give me a form. I wonder what it would be like to feel nothing. Not knowing the difference between warmth or cold, just staying there. Now, you might say that I would probably be missing out on "life," and that's correct. But, what exactly is life? Sure, i'm breathing, I have a beating heart, but what exactly is "life'? Everyone's view on life is completely different from each others. Everyone has a completely different perspective on what it means to truly live. For others, life doesn't happen until they die, but what then? Are the promises of religion actually fulfilled after death? Is there another part of oblivion that we don't know of? Or are we just born into another life? 

FAT

33910) I thought I was getting better, healthier, happier. I’ve just gotten better 


at lying to myself.


Today was the day I actually looked at myself in the mirror. Like, I actually payed attention to every pound I carry around. I wanted to cry. I felt like screaming and ripping my skin off. What was I thinking? That I could actually gain all of this weight and be okay with it? That I can pull it off and become "healthy?" NO. I feel as though I've been lying to myself and everyone around me. I dont need this..I don't need the humiliation associated with my stupid fat. I don't want to care anymore. I just want to go cry inside a dark cave. I cave so dark and deep, that I eventually forget who I am and what I look like. I don't want to be here anymore.

Sexual Frustruation

Here on this stainless table I come inside you and haunt your dreams.

Baby I don't mind, you can fake it, but come away with me.


I don't quite understand why I'm feeling this way, maybe I'm just lonely, but I want you near me. I miss your touch, your kiss, your warm breath on my neck. I'm not used to writing about this in detail, but I know I was bound to do it sometime. Maybe I'm not sexually frustrated. Maybe I'm just used to having you with me, and I can't quite put it into words yet. Maybe it's just the sound of your hypnotizing voice, the raw intensity of every sound coming out of your mouth. Maybe its the way your body is; every muscle perfectly placed on your arms, your chest. I don't quite know what it is about you, but I can't help but want you near me. From the beginning of it all, I couldn't help but want to be near you; feel our bodies touch, our skin causing beautiful friction. The way you look at me, with those deep brown eyes. That intense, hypnotizing stare you do when talking to me. I want you; yes. But maybe I don't want sex. Maybe I'm just want to feel your presence near mine. I want to hold you, I want to make beautiful music with you. I want to feel my heart racing. I don't want to feel like I miss you; I want you here with me, in the flesh. I want to hear your heartbeat, I want to feel your blood pumping with every breath you take. I want to believe every lyric you wrote, every note you played, every breath you took when you promised me tomorrow. I'm not in love. Then again, I'm not in lust with you either. I want you. I adore you. I need you. Maybe not forever. I want you now, tomorrow can wait. I have all the time in the world.