Saturday, November 19, 2011
You sink into my clothes, this invasion makes me feel Worthless, hopeless, sick.
So it's obviously been a while since I decided to grace you all with my presence.(ha) Well, it's disappointing to say that not much has changed these past few months, same old disappointing; worthless feelings. I can't help but feel happy that I'm back. I missed the intimacy of this blog and the raw-feeling I get when I'm writing. Right now I'm just trying to keep my mind off of the breakfast I had. Although all I ate was a fat-free crepe (that I made myself), I can't help but feel a tiny bit of guilt. Throughout these past few months I did try recovering, and as a matter of fact, I am currently in that process as we speak. However, I did cool it down a bit. What I mean with that is, that during the summer, I attended this EDIOP group at the hospital; I was endangered of being hospitalized if I didn't attend to my various doctor's appointments. I started gaining some weight so I decided to leave as the school year approached. I tried balancing my weight with doing various exercises throughout the week. Although I can pretty much say that I've had a more stable mentality than I did before, I would be lying to you if I said I was fully recovered. While everyone else thinks I am, I'm sitting here trying to calm my mind down before I commit something crazy. I can't begin to explain how many times I have tried committing suicide these past few months. I am still considering it.
In other news, I'm still with my boyfriend; it's been 2 years since we got together. We celebrated our anniversary last month at San Francisco. Getting away from all the food was really tough. No matter what I do, I cannot get it to shut up. My doctor keeps recommending me to go on birth control (because of the boyfriend), but I'm not necessarily "sexually active." Sure, we do fool around every once-in-a-while, but we don't take it THAT far...I would never. I am too frighted with the thought of gaining so much weight because of a baby. I can't seem to wrap my thoughts around that. I also wouldn't want to mess up his/her life up. Not only am I too young for one, but I am also to insane to even take care of one. I'll use my nephew as my example. He knew about my bulimia and helped me keep it a secret. He guarded the door while I was puking my brains out, and made excuses for me when I didn't want to eat. While he was doing all of this for me, you can see on his little face how scared he was. He used to be on the verge of crying. He wanted me to eat, and would do anything for me to have something in my system. He's gone now (moved to Texas with my sister), and he is very anti-social. I feel somewhat responsible for at least part of it. He is very mature for his age, sometimes even too mature. I really hope that one day he can forgive me. Same goes to everyone else in my life. I am so sorry..