Break Down

So I'm not going to start off with a "quote" like I usually do, but I think this picture covers all that. As dramatic as teenage girls are, I feel like I overdo that role a bit too much. My week has been stressful in my standards  and I have no idea how to cope with it all. I finally managed to break down to my father because he pushed me through my limit, I had to gain weight in order to be eligible to dance (according to my doctor), I have been tempted to start purging again (or at least relapse all together), and I'm also trying to keep my boyfriend under control. I honestly don't know what do and he's not helping me either. He completely freaked out on me last night and let his anger overpower him and I was honestly kinda scared of him. Now I'm trying to cheer him up and plan his birthday, but I'm honestly freaking out and stressing over him. I don't ever want to sound selfish, but I haven't had the time to vent or even to calm down since I last purged and had the discussion with my father. I'm kind of just here.

Murder She Wrote

When the moon found the sun he looked like he was barely hanging on, but her eyes saved his life In the middle of summer.
So what an interesting week this has been: I've spent most of it at dance rehearsal, my best friend came over, my mother has been pushing every-single button, and I haven't spoken to my boyfriend all day. It seems as though I can never win with anything. Ever. My mom hates the fact that she's wrong from time-to-time, and let's not forget, she still believes that I'm some 10 year-old girl that is completely dependent on her and her "needs". WHY?! Why doesn't she realize that I'm growing up? Why does she insist on controlling my life, when she's clearly pushing me away even further (and let's not mention how incredibly rude she is to me/everyone who dares speak to me). And as if my mood can't get any worse, my boyfriend ditched me last night after he told me he was going to take me to watch "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," but he ended up going with some other people and not telling me about it. He completely stood me up and he wasn't even going to tell me! I honestly have no problem with him going out with his friends (I actually encourage him to go out more for the sake of his sanity), but he just flat-out ditched me for a show he doesn't even like! It's like people enjoy making me pissed off.. Not to mention how disgustingly controlling this guy can be; he hates my friends and he simply does not make an effort to at least get along with them. On a more positive note, my "Twin" stayed over for the remainder of the week, and I actually feel a bit liberated. I was not afraid to be myself and I had enough time to vent and just let it all out. It's amazing how one single person could make you feel so happy and free in such a short time. I really am going to miss her. Hopefully it wont be too long before we meet again.

Unravel

     Drifting body it's sole desertion. Flying not yet quite the notion


So I'm running out of ideas on what to write; it seems as though I've pored pretty much all I can trust the world to handle. This whole blog started out as a way for me to vent; to let go of the darkness and hope to one day educate those who have never lived through this hell. I honestly believe that if I never had my eating disorder I would be far more successful. I would have remained in soccer and I would be so much better. The constant purging drove me away from singing for a while, because I couldn't stand the constant burn on my throat. I could be able to memorize things with so much ease, but now I actually have to struggle. The constant paranoia has led me to become someone that I'd never wanted to be; someone lonely, dark, and full of secrets that not even I can handle. Whenever I reach a limit (which tends to happen from time-to-time during recovery), I can't help bunt want to fall back. To starve; to surrender myself with nothing but the walls in my room. I want to tell someone, but what good will that do? People don't want to listen. I'm just a disposable thing, that is only used for giving, but never worthy enough for receiving anything in return. Not that I want anything, of course; but it would be nice to have some sort of friend whom I can actually rely on from time-to-time. Maybe that's just too good to be true.

Lonely Wednesdays

You claim to be my long, absent friend. You are the cancer that just moved in. You come with the dark night of the soul, But I’m turning my back on you, you know I do.


So I want to begin by apologizing to those who still decide to follow this cold and empty blog, I do appreciate it. My journey these past few months have not been the easiest; my mind and my body continue to fight their endless battles that seem to define whether or not I continue living this, far-from-normal, life. I have gained weight, a lot of it, but I honestly have no other choice but to deal with it. My new pastime involves endless hours of working out, rather than eternities debating whether or not to purge my dinner now or overdose on painful laxatives once my mother falls asleep. I am completely convinced that my food problems will never end, and I'm okay with that. There is absolutely nothing that can change my mind and this point and that is honestly nobody's business. I have learnt to keep my temper trapped inside my unstable mind and I have actually gotten myself to wear a bikini a few weeks ago. Sure, not everything's bad, but once the lights go out and the blinds close, I have a tendency to fall back into my dark abyss. Sure, it may not be the best thing to do while recovering, but I can't help but go back into my old sanctuary. As odd as it may be, I feel safe falling into that darkness because that's all I know what to do. This "normal" lifestyle is not meant for me; I can't help but feel overwhelmed by everything that goes on in a "normal person's life". But hopefully one day I will.
 

Not Myself

              We only said goodbye with words I died a hundred times

First of all, I'd like to apologize for my long absence, it seems as though I had hid a point in my life where I wanted to change and try things on my own, and it worked out pretty well, so why am I here? Because everyone has their breaking points, some more than others; and I just hit mine. I'm completely off and, what I suspect, depressed. I don't know what to do with myself. Cris is completely weird and I feel as though he's being utterly fake around me. This isn't the first time I've noticed this, but he acts so different when he's with me and others. He has a double personality and I absolutely HATE when people do that. Lately I can't help but notice how disgustingly fake everyone is, people change their personalities constantly depending on who they are talking with. Why do people hide? I do understand when it's a "professional vs casual"atmosphere, but it's not. It really does sickens me and I just can't bring myself to trust anyone that does that.

I thought I should share this (not mine)

I felt like i should share this with you all. It's a clever poem on which I can relate..I hope you like it.

The thoughts in my head, so loud and consuming

The monster within, raging and fuming

The thoughts in my head, so soft and bound

The angel within, peaceful and sound

———————————————————————————————- 

Walk down the road at night

Look to your left and look to your right

Two people stand along your side

One is your demon the other, his bride

———————————————————————————————- 

The thoughts in my head, so loud and consuming

The monster within, raging and fuming

The thoughts in my head, so soft and bound

The angel within, peaceful and sound

———————————————————————————————- 

Gentle river, flowing tame

Beneath your waters rages a flame

What’s on the surface is not but an illusion

What’s down below is confusion

———————————————————————————————- 

The thoughts in my head, so loud and consuming

The monster within, raging and fuming

The thoughts in my head, so soft and bound

The angel within, peaceful and sound

Simplicity

Trapped between my body and soul, nowhere to run, nowhere to go. I'm standing at the crossroad waiting on my next move, non of which leads me to you.


My dearest desire is to feel cherished and wrapped up in some-sort of love blanket of any kind. I don't know if any of that made sense, but I am incredibly desperate for some sort of affection. I'm craving it, and my body aches for a sign of love. I haven't been this needy in a while. I cant find any explanation for what is going on, but I really need to sort my shit out and find out why my "prince charming" is being such a prick.

Time Flies

Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds, dreaming aloud. Things just won't do without you.Matter of fact, if you walk out on me, I'm walking after you.


What an interesting month this has been, so full of mishaps and abnormalities (if I do say so myself). I must admit, my dear followers, readers, and lurkers, that I am as relaxed as I've ever been. I don't know if its the result of a day full of cramps, or just the fact that I've been some-what dancing tonight. I think that this post will be the first ever non-ED related thing I have ever written. (yay). I guess I can say that my mind is finally figuring itself out and I came to the conclusion that I am very dull. My clothes is not exciting, I dont workout anymore so my body is shitty, I'm not full of tremendous stories or anything of that sort. Shit, I don't even spend more than a couple of hours with my so-called boyfriend for more than once a week. It's as though everyone is finally figured out what they want while im still here; no movement at all. In order for me to feel like I'm worth something, I make sure my schedule is strictly full. What annoys me the most out of this, is the fact that my boyfriend complains about me being "too busy" and "not having enough time," yet, he doesn't do anything about spending time with me when i DON'T have anything to do. The only reason why I even get to see him during the weekend is the fact that I ask HIM out instead of it being the other way around. Now, I know there is nothing wrong with the girl asking the guy out but, I do it ALL THE TIME. He does nothing romantic with me, he never tries to impress me anymore, it's always so boring and irritating. Which brings me to the point of ME being dull. Maybe the fact that I'm not dressing "sexy" or "spontaneous" brings him down a bit. My style doesn't excite him and motivates him to do anything with me. Like, when we started to date, we used to get out of town and try new things; we didn't give a fuck! Now, he plays by the rules and just settles for less. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I truly think that this is my fault. But whatever, we'll see what happens. Thanks for reading.


P.S. PLEASE, keep my friend's father in your prayers (whether you believe in God or not, please wish her the best). Things have been going on, and she is the sweetest person EVER, and she doesn't deserve to feel any sort of negative emotion. Please keep her in mind, thanks

No Feelings. No Pain.

Sometimes these things they are so easy.Sometimes these things they are so cold.Sometimes these things just seem to rip you right in two


I'm the numbest I've ever been. Absolutely nothing phases me anymore, I'm like a rock and nothing can damage me. I don't know exactly why I'm feeling this way, but it's happening and it's taking over every part of me. Everything is absolutely gray to me, there's no color, no emotion what-so-ever. I don't think anyone deserves seeing me like this. My boyfriend feels detached from me, my best friend thinks I don't trust her, and both my mom and dad think I'm trying to kill myself. Just the other day, I took a good amount of "pills" and the next day, I was so weak that I passed out about 5 times in a row. The pain was absolutely unbearable, and throughout the whole time, I felt as if death was already taking me with him. But no, he was teasing me and causing me, and everyone around me , pain. The other day I went to my therapists office and I pretty much told her that I was feeling completely off. One part of me is willing to recover, and wants a better life. That part of me wants to be healthy and happy...However, the other part wants me to keep holding on to ANA. She doesn't want me to let go because I'm not skinny enough. That part of me made me lose 4lbs because 110 (my highest weight) was just too much to handle. Now im 106 and my first goal is to get to 103..then 100..98..95...ect. I want to feel petit and beautiful. I don't care what the doctors tell me, this is what I want and I will get there. I don't care if I have to go into a recovery program...Then again, why does my weight matter so much? Why is my life being controlled by these stupid numbers? Why cant I stop with this obsession? I don't want to end up in the hospital...do I?

Tangled

Take hold my hand, and hold it tighter, ever tighter .You must believe that I love you still ,but my strength, it grows weaker, and weaker and my body has lost its will 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs! I want to cry, I want to throw everything in sight. I want to mess up my house, so that people can see how messed up I am in my mind. I think of this every-single-fucken-day, and no one seems to notice. I can't handle gaining a single pound. I dont want to be here. I want to run away and never come back. Everyone here is a selfish prick. I can't trust anyone. I feel as if I listen, but once I want to speak, no one is there. I just feel like breaking down right now, but I cant...because my brother is in the kitchen, and I have too much pride to ever let a single tear escape my eyes. Doesnt anyone notice? I barely speak. I'm trapped inside my pitiful mind, which can't decide whether I want to recover or not. I'm sick of feeling like a failure, but not knowing where I'm failing at. If I don't eat, I think of how I'm failing recovery. If I do eat, I feel like I'm failing myself and giving into being fat. I just can't stand it anymore. I want to do something drastic, then again, I don't want to cause too much attention to myself. Each day that passes me by, just seems to weaken me even more. There are days where I have no energy to go to school. I get physically sick from my stupid depression/anxiety. I honestly can't decide what I want to do anymore. I just want to disappear for a while; maybe just a little bit longer.

Creeping Shadows

Releasing the vapour into the lung; letting the wings unfurl. And for a moment I feel young.



I feel as though I'm going into the wrong direction. As if I'm stepping into a dark abyss, leading me nowhere. I hate writing all of these depressing posts. For once, I want to tell you that I found peace and that I'm happy with myself; but I can't. What I write here are my private thoughts. Thoughts that are scattered inside my mind, meant for no one else but myself. I don't feel comfortable enough with my peers in order to talk to them about this. I hate bumming people out with my own stupidity; because what I do to myself IS stupid. My therapists, doctors, and family have made it very clear that I am a complete fool for doing this to myself.I cant help but to agree, but then again, they will never understand the horrors coming alive in my nightmares. I'm not happy. I haven't been since I was very young. I think its too early in my life for me to be feeling this bitter. I have been blessed with so many things, it's incredible really, but why can't i give an honest smile? It's like I don't deserve any of this, it's obvious that I need something, but what? Love? I have family and a boyfriend, and an amazing best friend. Money? I don't need it. I barely like going shopping anyways. So, what is it? I don't understand what is going on inside my head! It's aggravating and driving me insane. I guess I do need help, but who do I reach out for to help me?