Friday, December 17, 2010

I wish,...

So my birthday will be comming up in about...2 more months. I was looking at these cupcakes and i stubbled upon these cupcakes! I dont know anyone that can make these, here in the bay area, which makes me sad. But this is mainly what i want for my party! Anyone that knows me will tell you how much i L.O.V.E hello kitty and the powerpuff girls(: I would literally be the happiest person in the WORLD , hopefully i can find someone or somewhere that makes these!! I know this is a totally random post but, i want people to know that my ED is necesarily everything. Well im off, hopefully today will be great.

Thursday, December 16, 2010


"Can't you imagine how good going through this will make you feel?
I promise, no one will ever know
There will be no chance of you getting caught
They never loved you anyway
So come on,..And do what you are compelled to do,.."

oh god i need help. i feel horrible and,.. i officially broke my promise, thanks to that, im gonna have to fess up to him,.. soon. I had a horrid b/p episode, i swear on my life that i will start doing something about it; im gonna start with the plan i made up yesterday,.. fuck recovery, im not ready for that,. Im sorry everyone,.. i just cant.. You cant expect a drug addict to recover in a week, cant make a smoker stop anytime,..well you cant make me stop doing what im doing,..its just too hard. I want to go back to 95lbs, and i swearthat im gonna get there soon,..winter break will be the perfect amount of time for me to get back there. I just want to be me again,..Ill stop at nothing

Monday, December 13, 2010

Pinky Promises

i H.A.T.E making promisses, not only do i have to keep myself from doing something i REALLY want to do, but i also have to change my lifestyle. I promised my boyfriend that i will not purge or use "pills" so now im kinda stuck. I hate this! i just ate and tomorrow i have an appointment with my doctor,. hopefully i could get out of it or at least get more time!!!! Going to the doctor doesnt "scare" me, im used to the needles and the "regular" routine, what terrifies me the most is stepping on that fucken scale. Im terrified of the large 3-digit number i will unfortunatelly see. I wanna go back to my 90's! I wanna be happy and just free. I HATE the fact that ive become very weak, i eat now and im just lazy (or atleast i feel that way) I dont think im a bit attractive, and i simply cant stand the fact that i feel heavy. I get irritated when people say i have a "great" body, i dont want that cause i dont feel great, i wanna be skinny. I wanna be friken "pro" MY happiness, i wanna feel free for once, not being tied up to gross food. I feel inevitably claustrophobic in my own skin and i hate feeling like this. Im trapped in a body i know i dont want,.. and it really sucks! I just wanna feel better,..and im sorry.