Friday, January 7, 2011
I guess when I'm feeling like crap, i try covering it up with lust. I know it might not sound so nice but, sometimes that's all i got. I hate how twisted my emotions get, i don't cut, i cant purge, and i have to eat more "normal," just to convince my doctors that I'm better so that i can get the fuck out of treatment. I don't like talking about my feelings, i barely even do that with my boyfriend. I don't get the point of it. At night, i get these weird nightmares, and i am officially terrified of my room. Last night I had a weird nightmare involving my best friend and my boyfriend, having an affair; the night before, i dreamt i was being chased, and later raped, by someone i don't really remember. I don't understand these dreams at all. I'm not even safe in my own dreams anymore, so now I'm compelled to suffer a bit more. My body feels disgusting, and the fact that my boyfriend keeps holding me, makes me feel a bit more insecure. I need to buy myself more pills (or steal), i need to start controlling my life a bit more. Until then, i shall sleep in my couch..
Monday, January 3, 2011
So much to see tonight, so why'd you close your eyes? Why can't I shut mine?
Where did you go? Why did you have to leave me behind? Why was I left with this monster, haunting and destroying every sane part of my mind. I'm not myself anymore, I feel lost. I don't belong here; I have no where else to know. You left me trapped in this never ending nightmare where happiness seems to be unknown. I'm sorry I let you down, I couldnt help it. Im sorry you had to see these insecurities show. We dont deserve this, at least i hope not. You were once so happy, without a simple care in the world. Life was never perfect, but you had hope; everything could always get better. We were once so positive, what happened? One day, we will be reunited and this nightmare will end. We will be free, but for now, ill just keep on searching for you. Even if it kills.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Before i begin, Im happy to say that its 2011. New year and new resolutions! I also wanted to point out the picture i decided to use. No, its not my foot, but it should be. I love who made this because it just made my day. So thank you stranger. Now back to the blog. I spent New Year's over at my friends house at some cow-town. I couldnt sleep, especially for the fact that i ate like a grimy little pig, i felt horrible. Plus, ive been getting weird dreams (nothing new) but these involve my mom and something happening to her, and i have the right to panic. Maybe that's why i decided to get into some argument with my boyfriend. I dont regret saying anything, i know for a fact that i had the right to state my opinion. Getting mad at your boyfriend because he was going to hang out with a girl, alone, should be enough to get any girl upset. Its not that i dont trust him, but thats just taking things pretty far.There's just that line of respect that he basically crossed. Im happy that he let me know, instead of him just going, but anyone out there would probably consider that cheating and i dont want people to start saying that im to "easy" or just another stupid girl that has no idea of whats going on. I would hate that and i would be embarrassed. I was pretty mad though, like to the point where i was shaking, i guess it was because i didnt really know what to think and how it reminded me of my ex boyfriend who decided to play me and get at this girl, claiming it was his "friend" and that they were just "hanging out". Things like this, i would really like to talk to him about, but i just want to drop it. I dont want to make it a bigger deal than it really is. I just really hope he honestly understood and that he's being honest when he said he's not going to do that. I just wish that he could appologize more often. Just say that he didnt know it would affect me so much, or anything like that; but i guess we cant all have everything. I just want it to work. I hope im not another fool..