Saturday, February 4, 2012

No Feelings. No Pain.

Sometimes these things they are so easy.Sometimes these things they are so cold.Sometimes these things just seem to rip you right in two

I'm the numbest I've ever been. Absolutely nothing phases me anymore, I'm like a rock and nothing can damage me. I don't know exactly why I'm feeling this way, but it's happening and it's taking over every part of me. Everything is absolutely gray to me, there's no color, no emotion what-so-ever. I don't think anyone deserves seeing me like this. My boyfriend feels detached from me, my best friend thinks I don't trust her, and both my mom and dad think I'm trying to kill myself. Just the other day, I took a good amount of "pills" and the next day, I was so weak that I passed out about 5 times in a row. The pain was absolutely unbearable, and throughout the whole time, I felt as if death was already taking me with him. But no, he was teasing me and causing me, and everyone around me , pain. The other day I went to my therapists office and I pretty much told her that I was feeling completely off. One part of me is willing to recover, and wants a better life. That part of me wants to be healthy and happy...However, the other part wants me to keep holding on to ANA. She doesn't want me to let go because I'm not skinny enough. That part of me made me lose 4lbs because 110 (my highest weight) was just too much to handle. Now im 106 and my first goal is to get to 103..then 100..98..95...ect. I want to feel petit and beautiful. I don't care what the doctors tell me, this is what I want and I will get there. I don't care if I have to go into a recovery program...Then again, why does my weight matter so much? Why is my life being controlled by these stupid numbers? Why cant I stop with this obsession? I don't want to end up in the I?

Sunday, January 29, 2012


Take hold my hand, and hold it tighter, ever tighter .You must believe that I love you still ,but my strength, it grows weaker, and weaker and my body has lost its will 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs! I want to cry, I want to throw everything in sight. I want to mess up my house, so that people can see how messed up I am in my mind. I think of this every-single-fucken-day, and no one seems to notice. I can't handle gaining a single pound. I dont want to be here. I want to run away and never come back. Everyone here is a selfish prick. I can't trust anyone. I feel as if I listen, but once I want to speak, no one is there. I just feel like breaking down right now, but I cant...because my brother is in the kitchen, and I have too much pride to ever let a single tear escape my eyes. Doesnt anyone notice? I barely speak. I'm trapped inside my pitiful mind, which can't decide whether I want to recover or not. I'm sick of feeling like a failure, but not knowing where I'm failing at. If I don't eat, I think of how I'm failing recovery. If I do eat, I feel like I'm failing myself and giving into being fat. I just can't stand it anymore. I want to do something drastic, then again, I don't want to cause too much attention to myself. Each day that passes me by, just seems to weaken me even more. There are days where I have no energy to go to school. I get physically sick from my stupid depression/anxiety. I honestly can't decide what I want to do anymore. I just want to disappear for a while; maybe just a little bit longer.