Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Well Christmas finally passed, gained. BUT, i managed to lose about 5lbs in a couple of days due to my restricting. I don't want to reveal my weight for the simple fact that; I DONT WANT TO JINX IT. I will reveal my weight once i get to my goal (hint: only 5lbs to go!). Well enough of that, I finally spent time with my boyfriend all day yesterday and i got to admit, i really did miss him. Its weird because i never think that he does. I dont know if he does this on purpose but, his "tough guy" image really prohibits me to get any emotion out of him sometimes. I mean, he is corny and he has his "gullible" moments, but theres just times where he really does make question whether he really loves me or not. I guess its just a guy thing. Either way, I decide to just drop it and try to take advantage of the times where he's mine and I know that i might be too young to be talking about "love" and I'm completely aware of that, that's why i try avoiding the subject as much as i can. Plus, i know for a fact that I'm not in love with him or anyone, that's still pretty unreachable for me. I love him, as i really care for him, and i some-what trust him. I know for a fact that, some of the things i write in this blog are pretty unknown to him, same for the previous blog i had. I don't want to be like the girls who fall "in love" with guys in the first week they've gone out and act obsessed and stupid in front of everyone. I try too hard to avoid anything like that. I like taking my precious time..
But enough about that, I'm happy to say that I'm finally leaving this hell-town and spending the rest of my break with my best friend. Finally, i can be free in a place away from home. I cant wait! I'm also trying to avoid going to the doctor's office today, I dint want some guy to tell me how I'm doing and how I'm supposed to be doing. F*** that, i can do fine all by myself. Besides, i dont have a problem,..
Saturday, December 25, 2010
So this Christmas has to be one of the saddest ever. My siblings are gone, my mom's working, and my "father" bailed on me and decided to go to Sacramento. I mean, really? What did i do to deserve this? I mean, i know I'm not necessarily a "good" girl, but i don't think this is totally fair. I lost my appetite, i feel gross beyond belief. On the bright side, i spent all night texting my boyfriend and had an interesting conversation with him. I won't complain, i got entertained. As always, something always leads to another; he was telling me how much he loves me and all that pretty stuff that us girls love to hear. I have to admit, i sometimes like believing all of it is true. I like knowing i have something to believe in, something that i can actually look forward on doing in the future. Its scary to think that maybe life can be this easy, although it seems to good to be true. But who knows? I'm still keeping my guard up, at least until we're together for,...lets say,...3-4more years? I'm testing him, so far, he's passing. One year and 2,almost 3, months(:
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Throw away The charade of your life, Let the flame of my heart Burn away Your complacence tonight...
Fearing no one
So i really need to pull myself together. I know for a fact that i gained at least 1-2lbs since I've been eating more than i should at the times that i shouldn't. Ive been trying to chillax for these couple of days, i don't want to stress myself out anymore..I was thinking that i should rely on apples and veggies until Saturday. and ill try to either do that, OR keep my limit between 300-500cals (less = more ). ill keep doing my exercises like i do and hopefully ill lose some by,..next week. Ive had a great week, in the "real" world, I'm not complaining. I'm just hoping that ill be able to see my boyfriend on Tuesday. Ive been seeing way less of him this break. Maybe this is exactly what we needed. I'm having extra time to hang out with my girls and strengthening our friendship(: I'm happy to say that there hasn't been a day that I'm alone <3. I'm terrified of being alone. Ive never been scared of anything in my life other than being alone.I know for a fact that i turn completely insane when I'm alone. When i was young and i was left alone, bad things seemed to always happen. If i was left alone some sick man would try to have his way with me. When i was left alone at my dad's house, my step-brother made sure to make my day a living hell, pretty much i would get beaten and insulted with no end. When i am left alone, i have a tendency to b/p, scar my already hideous body, and just drown in the pool of my own sorrow. I hate sounding like I'm being dramatic , but that's the best way for me to descibe it. I try to avoid my house, which i don't consider home. I feel a sigh of eternal relief when I'm out with a friend or when my mother comes back home safe from work. I never liked staying home and not doing anything. I don't like acting like my dad, he never did anything. I guess i listen to music because i feel liberated, i can honestly say that i feel like I'm somewhere else. The horrible nightmares that seem to appear almost every night are whats causing me to keep moving rooms. I am mentally exhausted.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me; Distracting, reacting. Against my will I stand beside my own reflection,..It's haunting how I can't seem... To find myself again
So it kind of sucks how much i really despise myself. I feel weak and with no control what so ever; maybe that's why i get taken advantage of. I don't know. I want to prove to myself and others that i am strong, and that i do know how to make my own decisions. Today i sang "live" and i was so happy. My voice is recovering from the various burns my throat's been through. I hate how i ate at 7pm, i feel like a failure. I hate how i ate so much today because my boyfriend came over. I hate how I always do that. I hate how much i despise my disgusting body. I hate how I'm bound to be imperfect with my scars. I hate how i cant keep it together anymore,..I hate how at moments i feel helplessly alone. I hate how i cant help but feel claustrophobic in my own skin trapped beneath my flesh with no way to crawl out. No form of escape; I'm trapt in a asylum. Going insane. Because i am, that's what i decided to make of myself..I saw my boyfriend today and i felt so happy, its crazy how much one person can affect you. After him and i talked things out (after i ate like the sick pig i was bound to be), he seemed to be in a better mood. We promised each other to not keep things from each other anymore, to be honest and to not lie.Like always, i hate making promises. I have to talk to him about my ED feelings and all that stuff,..I swear it wont be easy. I hate how i have to do this, i know ill get annoying. I need help. But i don't want it.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Cut your pride and watch it bleed;You can't deny it. Pain you know you can't ignore..
So I really dont know how to start this out, i feel terrible. Im not feeling right, i know i mess up, im not perfect but i hate when people just start bashing on it. I had to go take some tests today and my doctor noticed the scars on my stomach,.. i felt so embarrased i swear i dont know what to do. I said i got them in a soccer incident. I feel helpless because i ate more than i wanted today. I feel sick to my stomach. I was talking to my best-guy-friend, and oh god, i felt releaved,. i said so much. I was tempted to say more, but I just couldnt find a way to say anything. Everything has its ups and downs, i hate how much people expect me to do things for them, to solve their problems but they just dont care to listen or be there when i need them. I really hope i dont sound selfish or self-centered. I just want someone to be there and give me an honest sighn of hope,.. I cant find that. I know some try but i can tell that they get sick of it, or they just cant find a streight answer to anything. Im like the last to be notified of someting; im the last choice,.. its always been that way. Seing my body reminds me of the ass-holes who once took advantage of it, I feel deformed because thats how they left me. If i prove to myself that i have control, then maybe people would take me more serious and maybe some people would stop trying to fuck me over. I had one too many things/people get taken away from me. My innocence was ripped from me at the tender age of 3. I want to regain that control i never had, i wanna feel weightless and be able to finally take control of my life. I just dont want to live in fear. Everytime i mess up I get taken back to the days when all that happened. Maybe if i was stronger, nothing like that wouldve happened to me.. I just dont know.
Release me!No remnants were ever found of it Feeling the hot bile,With every fake smile.Though no evidence was ever found,It never went away completely,..
so i lost ablout 3lbs, im happy but not quite satisfied. You see, the old me would be happy and would be satisfied with the amazing progress she made. Sadly, this isnt me anymore, this just means i have to keep working as hard, if not harder, than how i was. The thought of me becoming this disturbes me, yet the sinisterness just makes me proud. Last night i couldnt help but break down, on the last minute, a dancer decided to give me the news that he cant be in my 15 anymore, i mean i get it but, seriously? If he wasnt ready to commit to it then why make me make all these plans? He didnt even tell me, my boyfriend did. I was left there, worrying . I had to make so much calls and i had to plan everything all over again. I do admit that im pissed off and that if i talk about it to someone i will eventually break down. That would be one of the most horrible things you can do/say to a quinceanera with less than 2months for the party. I mean, wow. Im paniking because i dont know if the guys i wanted could make it.. I dont want to talk to him, i am somewhat dissapointed that he didnt tell me anything or not let me know on time,. Now im scared, i really am. I swear if anyone brings this up, theres no doubt that i will break down.. Good news is that its 12;15pm and i ate oatmeal, (breakfast) and lunch i had frozen strawberries and 3 baby carrots(: i will keep this up and hopefully ill write back with more reports. Im going to the mall! yay distraction.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
"Can't you imagine how good going through this will make you feel?
I promise, no one will ever know
There will be no chance of you getting caught
They never loved you anyway
So come on,..And do what you are compelled to do,.."
oh god i need help. i feel horrible and,.. i officially broke my promise, thanks to that, im gonna have to fess up to him,.. soon. I had a horrid b/p episode, i swear on my life that i will start doing something about it; im gonna start with the plan i made up yesterday,.. fuck recovery, im not ready for that,. Im sorry everyone,.. i just cant.. You cant expect a drug addict to recover in a week,..you cant make a smoker stop anytime,..well you cant make me stop doing what im doing,..its just too hard. I want to go back to 95lbs, and i swearthat im gonna get there soon,..winter break will be the perfect amount of time for me to get back there. I just want to be me again,..Ill stop at nothing
Monday, December 13, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Hoodia Lollipops and they supposedly have ephedra, which is good for fat burn, suprece appetite, and give you energy. Now, im not saying that i completely believe what they say, but it doesnt hurt to try? The money i used to buy this is from my dads child support money. Since im pretty sure not having a christmas, i decided to treat myself with something that might benefit me(: Now, im not selfish, the rest of the money is gonna be spent on my mom and her gift. She clearly deserves something great, and im gonna do whatever it takes to help her out. As for today, thats pretty much it. I managed to get 4 packets of "emergency pills," so im pretty much set for this month. Now all i gotta do is wait, hopefully time goes by fast and i can get my lollipops and ill finally be on my way to happyness.
Oh yes, i did in fact went against my own selfish belief, i dared to drink milk! it all started when my mom brought some oreos from work, and well,.. you can imagine what happens after that(: Every time i dunked that cookie into the milk, i swear my childhood came flashing at me, i dared to give an honest smile. Today turned out better than i thought, I saw my dad and oh boy, was it great. We even reminisced about my baby days and he actually offered to get me a new phone! (shocking, i know) I'm actually helping my mother out with dinner and i just might enjoy it.
well,.. other than my B/P episode and my lack of pills, today was good. My throat still burns and i did in fact bleed. A day full of childhood memories and food is a good way to end the day. I might see the "novio" tomorrow, ahh so much to tell him. I wont call tonight cause, if he means it,he'll miss me more and when i see him, it would be more,..pretty.(x
Thursday, December 2, 2010
,..Time; its either too much or just not enough. We are never happy, we either want more of something or want less, we're selfish. I am in fact talking about everyone in general, i don't know anyone who hasn't felt any form of selfishness in their lives. I'm not excluding me either, Ive been pretty selfish all my life, even if it was just as innocent as wanting a certain Barbie for Christmas. My selfishness extends to seeking attention; sometimes i crave it, i want more attention; other times i just want less or just none. I admit I'm never happy, i just learn to deal. December 2nd, 2010, my amazing boyfriend turn 14 amazing months together, yet I'm still waiting for school to end so that i can be off with him, stepping into the doors of freedom. Although that sounds amazingly pretty, a part of me still cant help but to doubt every single word of that sentence. Today my B/P cycle continued after i got back home from counseling, I'm seeing my father tomorrow, and i got to admit,..I'm not excited. I dont want to see him. Why would i? I'm being devoured by resentment and drowning in my own misery, ANA wont seem to leave me alone. I told my therapist about my views of death and almost started crying. I honestly do need a break, thanks to that, I'm being highly recommended to attend an intensive care program (way to go jenny,..) I'm going to the psychologist tomorrow morning, with Brian on Saturday, a checkup on Monday,and therapist of Tuesday,..joy. Well people that read this, now i must drown myself with my pills before i go to sleep and just try thinking positive thoughts of this great day with my boy(x
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Dying. Just a never ending dream, at least that's what i think it is. I honestly dont really believe in a heaven or hell. I think that when you die, you are in a dream, so sweet and so comforting that you will rest. Like all dreams, we all wake up and that happens when we are "reborn" but as someone else. Like re-encarnation.People dont experience "heaven" or "hell" when they die, i personally belive that it all takes place in your lifetime, the person choses whether to live in its own "heaven," making the best out of everything. In cases like mine, I honestly do believe that i live in my own personal hell, although i dont really like admiting it. I try to make the best out of it. Dont get me wrong, i do have my heaven moments, like today for example, i finally spent real time with my boyfriend, days like today help me remember why i stayed this long in the first place, we whent to go out to eat something i havent eaten in years and it was great! This day had humor, love, friendship, food, and music packed into it. I wouldnt give it up for anything, honestly. Sadly, right now im stepping back into my hell known as "ANA". Scared for tonight, im seriously dreading the sleepless hours, the pains from the pills i took (3) and the voice inside my head repeating everything i dont want to hear. I do admit, i am scared, the vivid nightmares that are so real, i can almost swear that im not dreaming at all. I will survive. I will fast tomorrow, i swear that if i dont, i will go insane,.. Some guy called me fat, Im aware that he was just joking but the fact that he involved my biggest insecurity against me, makes me want to react in the most dramatic way. I dont know how tomorrows gonna turn out, but i sure hope that i survive..
Saturday, November 27, 2010
so thinking back at my childhood i was a pretty happy child, the thing that was always gripping at my chest was the sad feeling of emptyness. Im not even trying to exagerate here, my mom and i were always moving, we were never stable in one place, my father was an asshole and never helped out with anything, he watched my cry and get beaten by his son but he never cared, he always told me to just suck it up because crying doesnt solve anything. People started leaving; either escaping in their dreams, forever asleep or just moving far away. I never had people to talk to, my mom was constantly working and didnt have any time to hear my "little stories"(or complaints), and the people that i once trusted just left me abandoned. I actually just decided to talk to myself, sure it was odd, but i was the only peson that would listen and understand what i was going through. I was sexually abused by many people, my brothers' friends, my friend's uncles, and a strange man whom this day i cant really remember. Going through a horrible depression in 6th grade and slowly entering the doors to this hell i call "mia". Instead of providing comfort, the voices inside my head were constantly beating me down, telling me to just risk everything,even my health, to find true happiness. Dont get me wrong, it wasnt all bad, i found a big comfort with playing barbies as young as 3 years old; it never bothered me playing alone. I was always known as amazingly smart since the day i began to talk, i loved sports and i loved the fact that i was different, yet liked. I loved singing, to this day i still do. Its my comfort zone, i love experssing my feelings through song and still being able to entertain others. I love it when people compliment me on my voice, although i always like to think i can do better(:
Im happy to say that ive been in countless relationships (not all successful ofcourse) but i honestly dont regret anything, i love learning from my mistakes!
As for today, i felt like just resting and listening to music while talking to my best friend, caro, who i happen to know for a long time. I just had a horrible B/P experience, i took 3laxies when i finished and now im just trying to distract myself.
If I can Remember
To know this will Conquer me
If I can
Just walk alone
And try to escape
Friday, November 26, 2010
purge you little worthless, you deserve to suffer, prge it out and feel pure,..something you havent been in a while.,..purge,purge,purge grilled cheese in the morning, feeling dizzy, the voices inside my head dont leave me alone. im tryinh to not fall into temptation with this, i swear im not but this voice is yelling at me, i feel insane. im left alone, i feel scared. im very unexpected, i surprse others but mostly myself. I feel dirty, i have promised myself that i shall not eat later today, ill take some laxies and go on with my day. I want school to start, i want to get away from this house. the walls seem to be talking to me, tempting me to just go on with it, the mirror haunts me, calling my name, ready to criticize my body, taunt me with its horrid image. i dont want to think about it. i dont want to think at all,..i just want to rest. Its barelly friday, for some strange reason time just seems to be against me its either to fast or to slow!
in good news, i found out that people actually read this! i checked out my stats and im so proud of myself, its nice to know that some people do take an interest in this, oh joy(:
in other news, i was reading my old journal last night and omg, i was so much stronger back then. it wouldnt be a bad idea to learn a thing or two of my old self..hmm...
Thursday, November 25, 2010
well happy thanksgiving to anyone out there. i literally thought this year was gonna be lonely, im so happy it wasnt(: my mom and i had a great day(x a family friend came to visit this morning while another friend barelly left a couple of minutes ago. I dont know why, but eversince i woke up i felt like telling everybody that i loved them(: i texted my boyfriend the whole day..i wonder what he thinks of my corny side. haha. today i dont really want to focus on my ED at all, although i do admit that i stole more "laxies" today..so far i has 2 at lunch (omelette,tomato slices, and a bit of rice) and i just took 3 after "dinner" (tomato slices with chile, and grapes). Im thinking of taking 2 more at about 11pm. i know its completely risky but since i havent purged, the food needs to get out some way?
my hopes and dreams will never go on hold, the constant battle against myself is too intense. today, i just 'faked' the fact that i didnt care about what i ate, i just wanted to give my mom a break for once. i love the fact that i didnt really have to change at all today(: im excited for the "hangover" tomorrow and just staying in. im gonna dread the fact that i took too many pills but, it kills to be prettym and im gonna suck it up until i feel satisfied. i want this, more than you know... i need this..
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I dont know if anyone noticed, I highly doubt anyone did, but i deleted all my old posts for personal reasons. I have to admit that deleting them was as bad as tearing out a piece of my heart out. The memories and the confidetiallity I had in this blog was ripped out. This was never to offend anybody, these are simply the feelings i felt at that moment locked inside me with no form of escape. Apparently my thoughts can be to out-of-the-ordinary, I know. The means of this is like a diary. In "the outside world," i dont really talk to anyone about this, i have no one to trust. Sure, i see a psycologist every once in a while, but how does that help me? I barely even know the person. But im expected to tell them ALL..for me, things dont work out that way..they never did. My eating disorder is out of control. Before, i was a bit more ANA than MIA, but now-a-days im MIA with some ANA..(get it?). Any who, relationship with my mom has been increadibly awkard since that night..the only people that dare to know what happen are me,my mother, and cris. Although things with him feel more confusing as well, i dont really bother myself with telling him things anymore..I completely feel like i lost that bond with him since it seems like he just doesnt take me serious anymore. Him and i got into an argumet yesterday since he "tried" to make me not worry about the situation with my mom, altough it backfired right after when he was basically telling me that its my fault this shit happens. Right now i feel as though im lost in oblivion. I honestly dont know what to feel..sometimes i rather just sleep forever and finally rest..but i just couldnt do that to my mom. Shes basically the reason why im still breathing. Later today ill be going to visit my best friend in tracy(: i have so much to tell her, im just hoping i dont burst out crying. Well, thats all for now i guess.
"darkness cover me, deny everything..Slowly walk away, to breathe again. On my own"