Decadence

Blind leading the blind.Reaping what I've sown.If it all amounts to nothing then, why am I standing in this line?

The utter torment of spending the day alone really gets to me. It's as if the silence invites my inner thoughts to overpower me, covering up my mind with its apathetic reasoning. Making me drive myself into the insanity that is my ED. Oh how I hate eating, and I hate purging even more. It saddens me really, not because I'm damaging myself, but because I have a new kitten, and she started to get scared. Her reaction reminded me of my nephew, who later on covered for me whenever I decided to purge my sister's dinner out. He used to look so sad, he begged me to stop various times. It sucked because my sister spent her whole days partying and working. Now, she wasnt a bad mother, on the contrary, she was the strongest person I have ever met. See, her fiance was sent to jail because he attempted to kill a man, all because he let his jealousy take over. He led my sister onto believing that he wanted to marry her and, who knows, he was going to kill her next. All of this happened weeks before she was going to get married, which led her into a devastating depression that hit everyone in the family. As for my nephew, he had to be the strong older brother who saw his father being taken away by the cops. My nephew happens to be THE strongest 10 year old I have ever seen in my life. Therefore, watching him witness me killing myself made me feel like a complete piece of shit. The kid really looked up to me. Today was one of those purging moments where I felt my life flash before me. I saw all of my mistakes pass right in front of me. Now, I'm just trying to cope for the rest of the day. 

Mirrors

Feel the hollowness inside of your heart..and it's all right where it belongs


First of all, I would like to let everyone know that I wish you a merry christmas, and thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I'm pretty happy to know that my blog gets about 30 views (or more) a day, it's astonishing really. Now, to proceed from this moment, I'll go into my minuscule vent..


Is it strange that I am completely afraid of mirrors? I mean, I can never look at them for too long because I feel that something is going to happen. Plus, every mirror seems to lie to me. I don't know whether its showing me progress or a reminder that I am in desperate need of a fast. I don't know if it's reality or my ED speaking. Just to let you guys know, I've purged twice this week and used the "pills" twice also. I have been restricting a good amount and I hope to keep it up. However, today I slipped a bit and binged so I'm just writing along to distract my disgust in myself..


My family has to be the most annoying and hypocritical people in the face of this planet. I swear, I'm trapped inside this cage-of-a-house without a way to get out. My mom and my brother expect me to suddenly become a servant because I started winter break. I know, they need help around the house, but asking me to do the same thing EVERY DAY is completely annoying. I know I probably sound like some spoiled girl who complains about cleaning, but there's more to that. They constantly humiliate me and, to make things more exciting, they treat me like some irresponsible that needs to be taught a lesson every few hours.


Ever since my brother came, I feel as though everything has been completely off. I know he bales me off whenever I want to go out, but he acts as if he's better than everyone. He's constantly talking about all of the girls he had, and all the "money" and "cars" he once owned...ONCE. If he was "all that" he wouldn't be living with his mother again. He wouldn't be asking for money every couple of minutes. It seems as though he doesn't know how to appreciate anything, since he is constantly demanding for more. Not once did I ever hear him ASK for anything. One of the things I hate about him (other than his constant ability to degrade women) is the fact that he's always complaining about my mom. I feel as though his rants are completely unnecessary because my mom is the one helping him out with EVERYTHING. He should seriously start getting a grip on reality, because he has caused a lot of problems in the family, an he knows it.

Blabber

I'm just going to start off by wishing everyone good luck on their finals. To be quite honest, finals don't terrify me as much as they do to others. Now, enough of this, I basically came to write about my purge session tonight. It's quite terrifying, but at the same time comforting, stepping into a once-known place. I don't really know what triggered me to do it, it just happened. I have no idea what will happen at this point on, but I'm pretty determined to go along with it; even if it means I have to suffer a bit.

Going for it

As I walked through the door she was still in my head.As I entered the room she was laid there in bed..She reached out for me all twisted in black. I was on my way down, never coming back
I went to the emergency last night because I had this aching pain in my chest, which later let to a panic attack. I couldn't help but feel a small amount of security in this simple death scare. A part of me felt weak and I felt as though I was about to drift apart. As I got to the hospital, they decide to check my weight. It's been a while since I've been in there and as I took the first step into the scale, I saw the numbers rise; it showed 108lbs. I tried cutting myself some slack because I was wearing shoes and baggy clothes, so my estimate final weight was between 106-107lbs...too much. The weight shocked me completely, which led to another panic attack and an unbearable pain in the chest. I had to wait in the waiting room for what seems like forever; unattended and forgotten. I had many tests on my heart and they came to the conclusion that I had swelling on the muscles by my heart. To wrap this all up, I found a great diet to follow  in order to lose these final pounds. soo....here it is:

The ballerina diet

Ballerina diet is very effective because it allows not only reducing weight but keeping it up. In this diet there is no list of required products.

Ballerina Diet – the rules
1. Do not overeat.
2. You can not combine different protein products, such as meat and fish.
3. At lunch should be eaten only soup.
4. When preparing food, do not add salt to it.
5. Milk and dairy products should not contain fat.
6. You should drink about 2 liters of mineral water without gas. You can not drink 30 minutes before meals.

Compliance with these simple and reasonable rules will allow you to easily reduce weight, normalize metabolism and improve your health.

Ballerina Diet
Breakfast: 1 / 3 pack nonfat cottage cheese and a glass of warm 1% -3% of milk or yogurt.
Second breakfast: bread and butter, a cup of coffee, a teaspoon of honey
Lunch: a tablespoon of cooked rice, drink one cup of broth and eat a piece of meat, not more than 150 g.
Snack: an orange or apple.
Dinner: two hours before bedtime drink a glass of warm milk or yogurt with one teaspoon of honey.

Advantages: it’s really low calorie diet, which can effectively lose weight.Ballerina diet will allow you not only get a perfect shape, but also to preserve endurance.

Disadvantages: not enough vitamins, small portions.

Ballerina diet repeated a few days until you reach the desired effect

After I finish with this one, I'll slowly will be going into another one thats a bit more....extreme

Nightmare

If I scare you now, don't run from me. I've been hiding my pain, you see


Good morning my dears, It's currently 5am and I've been awake for the past hour, or so. Why am I up so early? Great question, I had one of those seemingly realistic nightmares that take place in my room. To be quite honest, I have a feeling it was all real. I felt something pushing on my rib cage and whispering something weird to my ear. I saw my room as it was, but this weird force didn't let me go. Now, I'm inanely tired, but too scared to shut my eyes. Plus, I'm trying to debate whether eating is a good idea, or not. Oh the agony :P

Must not eat

My fingers reach through the screen and comb through the garbage until they find the home of the shrieking chorus, hungry girls singing endless anthems while our throats bleed and rust and fill up with loneliness. I could scroll through these songs for the rest o my life and never find the beginning.

I hate my fat stomach. I feel incredibly lost within myself, I dont want to keep going like this. I realized how easy it is  to lie to my mom again. I guess since it's been month since I've shown any sign of an ED around her, she seems more comfortable in believing that I already ate. Obviously I'll end up distracting my hunger with some green tea tonight.

‘As soon as I think I’ve hit rock bottom, some guy hands me a shovel and says, ‘Keep digging, motherfucker.




What a lovely day today turned out to be, I just finished performing for show choir at school, and we sounded fantastic. Now after a long week, I'm here at home drinking green tea and wishing it was friday. Now, my state of mind is quite chaotic. Winter break is coming along and I'm considering the idea of fasting. I know, its been FOREVER since that idea came to mind, but I can't help but want to do it. I'm in the middle of wanting to be fit and toned or being skin and bones. 


In other news, I made it into a musical casting. The people really liked my voice, and I was incredibly proud. Although I didn't get one of the leads, I'm really happy I got in! I've no experience in acting so a small part will be just fine for now. I'm really proud of my voice, though! I havent purged in a while, so this has been a really great accomplishment. Sure, it's much more difficult than when my throat was better, but hey, I'm getting used to it. My throat bleeds every once-in-a-while, but that's okay. I can hear myself improving, and I've been getting amazing compliments from the people that had already heard me sing.


As for my relationship news, I can't help but feel completely weirded out by it...like, I just don't feel completely attracted anymore. I dont know if it's the result of me being too tired to do anything with him, or his lack of motivation to do anything. He doesn't seem like he wants to change at all. I mean, I love him and everything, but the weight gain is just a small example of him not really wanting to do anything, which bothers me a bit. Now, I'm not saying that "fat people are gross," or that "looks are everything," but lets face it, they are a reflection of who we are as a person. Him and I have agreed to workout together every once-in-a-while, but that has never happened. This relationship isn't as excited as it was when we first started. I feel as if im the only one trying out all of these new things and meeting all of these new people and he's just sitting at home playing video games. I dont know, maybe we just gotten to comfortable with each other, which caused us to drift apart for a bit (oh the irony). Maybe it's just me overreacting to nothing. Quite frankly, I just don't know what to do,think, or say anymore so I guess I'll just shut up.

Distant Echo

“What if this storm ends? And I don’t see you, As you are now, Ever again;The Perfect Halo, of gold hair and lightning.What if this storm ends? And leaves us nothing, Except a memory, A distant echo”

I'm not quite sure of my intentions right now. I don't know where I'm going with this post, but I want to write. I've been wanting to write for a while actually, I just never knew what I wanted say. So I'm finally going to sit down and unwrap every script of feeling I have lost inside my mind. Every word tied up into knots inside my head. I want to write and express what I can't in real life. 

I always wondered what it would be like to be just a skeleton. No blood rushing through my veins, no coat of skin to cover me. No fat to save me from the cold. I just want to be a shiny skeleton without the burden of these organs. I want to unwrap myself and see what I really am. My skeleton. The piles of bones that make up....ME. The ones that keep me together and give me a form. I wonder what it would be like to feel nothing. Not knowing the difference between warmth or cold, just staying there. Now, you might say that I would probably be missing out on "life," and that's correct. But, what exactly is life? Sure, i'm breathing, I have a beating heart, but what exactly is "life'? Everyone's view on life is completely different from each others. Everyone has a completely different perspective on what it means to truly live. For others, life doesn't happen until they die, but what then? Are the promises of religion actually fulfilled after death? Is there another part of oblivion that we don't know of? Or are we just born into another life? 

FAT

33910) I thought I was getting better, healthier, happier. I’ve just gotten better 


at lying to myself.


Today was the day I actually looked at myself in the mirror. Like, I actually payed attention to every pound I carry around. I wanted to cry. I felt like screaming and ripping my skin off. What was I thinking? That I could actually gain all of this weight and be okay with it? That I can pull it off and become "healthy?" NO. I feel as though I've been lying to myself and everyone around me. I dont need this..I don't need the humiliation associated with my stupid fat. I don't want to care anymore. I just want to go cry inside a dark cave. I cave so dark and deep, that I eventually forget who I am and what I look like. I don't want to be here anymore.

Sexual Frustruation

Here on this stainless table I come inside you and haunt your dreams.

Baby I don't mind, you can fake it, but come away with me.


I don't quite understand why I'm feeling this way, maybe I'm just lonely, but I want you near me. I miss your touch, your kiss, your warm breath on my neck. I'm not used to writing about this in detail, but I know I was bound to do it sometime. Maybe I'm not sexually frustrated. Maybe I'm just used to having you with me, and I can't quite put it into words yet. Maybe it's just the sound of your hypnotizing voice, the raw intensity of every sound coming out of your mouth. Maybe its the way your body is; every muscle perfectly placed on your arms, your chest. I don't quite know what it is about you, but I can't help but want you near me. From the beginning of it all, I couldn't help but want to be near you; feel our bodies touch, our skin causing beautiful friction. The way you look at me, with those deep brown eyes. That intense, hypnotizing stare you do when talking to me. I want you; yes. But maybe I don't want sex. Maybe I'm just want to feel your presence near mine. I want to hold you, I want to make beautiful music with you. I want to feel my heart racing. I don't want to feel like I miss you; I want you here with me, in the flesh. I want to hear your heartbeat, I want to feel your blood pumping with every breath you take. I want to believe every lyric you wrote, every note you played, every breath you took when you promised me tomorrow. I'm not in love. Then again, I'm not in lust with you either. I want you. I adore you. I need you. Maybe not forever. I want you now, tomorrow can wait. I have all the time in the world.

Escape

I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine and  I know I'll see you again;whether far or soon. But I need you to know that I care and I miss you.


Just a typical Monday where the weather decides to welcome me with it's piercing cold wind,tempting me to crawl back under my covers. Every time winter knocks on my door, I feel as though I should be tinier than I was before. There's something about this weather that makes me want to be fragile and cold. It's amazing actually, while other's are striving for warmth, I want to feel cold in a much deeper extent. I want to challenge myself to be as cold as the weather outside. I mean, winter is such a beautiful season, so why can't I? Last night, my boyfriend decided to take me to the movies and stay warm. Now, I don't really know how this happened, but  I just felt like I left my body. I felt the cold wind piercing my skin, with an intensity that was just too surreal at that moment. I felt as though I was being welcomed into a surrounding I once was so familiar with. I remember stepping into a small french cafe after the movie ended, and I felt completely disgusted with the food. In order for him not to worry, I ordered a cup of green tea  and a salad. I began picking at my food while I took gulps of my tea. I remember spacing out and slowly coming back to life again. He later invited me for some dessert and my mood completely changed. I began to get angry for no reason; I was disgusted. We later went outside to the cold rain and found a dry spot near a building. As we began kissing, I caught myself thinking of the calories I would be burning while I was kissing him (since making out burns about 25cals a minute). I later thought about how much fat I would be burning if I stayed out in the cold for longer, and how much the green tea would affect me. All of these thoughts began coming back, as though I've been storing them for ages. I don't know whether to be scared or not, but I am quite happy to say that I'm gaining the control I lost. I know these thoughts are "bad," but I can't help but feel ready. Then again, I hope I can stop myself before it's too late.

It's been a while..

You sink into my clothes, this invasion makes me feel Worthless, hopeless, sick.




So it's obviously been a while since I decided to grace you all with my presence.(ha) Well, it's disappointing to say that not much has changed these past few months, same old disappointing; worthless feelings. I can't help but feel happy that I'm back. I missed the intimacy of this blog and the raw-feeling I get when I'm writing. Right now I'm just trying to keep my mind off of the breakfast I had. Although all I ate was a fat-free crepe (that I made myself), I can't help but feel a tiny bit of guilt. Throughout these past few months I did try recovering, and as a matter of fact, I am currently in that process as we speak. However, I did cool it down a bit. What I mean with that is, that during the summer, I attended this EDIOP group at the hospital; I was endangered of being hospitalized if I didn't attend to my various doctor's appointments. I started gaining some weight so I decided to leave as the school year approached. I tried balancing my weight with doing various exercises throughout the week. Although I can pretty much say that I've had a more stable mentality than I did before, I would be lying to you if I said I was fully recovered. While everyone else thinks I am, I'm sitting here trying to calm my mind down before I commit something crazy. I can't begin to explain how many times I have tried committing suicide these past few months. I am still considering it. 


In other news, I'm still with my boyfriend; it's been 2 years since we got together. We celebrated our anniversary last month at San Francisco. Getting away from all the food was really tough. No matter what I do, I cannot get it to shut up. My doctor keeps recommending me to go on birth control (because of the boyfriend), but I'm not necessarily "sexually active." Sure, we do fool around every once-in-a-while, but we don't take it THAT far...I would never. I am too frighted with the thought of gaining so much weight because of a baby. I can't seem to wrap my thoughts around that. I also wouldn't want to mess up his/her life up. Not only am I too young for one, but I am also to insane to even take care of one. I'll use my nephew as my example. He  knew about my bulimia and helped me keep it a secret. He guarded the door while I was puking my brains out, and made excuses for me when I didn't want to eat. While he was doing all of this for me, you can see on his little face how scared he was. He used to be on the verge of crying. He wanted me to eat, and would do anything for me to have something in my system. He's gone now (moved to Texas with my sister), and he is very anti-social. I feel somewhat responsible for at least part of it. He is very mature for his age, sometimes even too mature. I really hope that one day he can forgive me. Same goes to everyone else in my life. I am so sorry..

TUMBLR!

So nothing much happened today, except i have a tumblr(x
please follow and tell your people to follow!
ill still be going on here, ill just start posting a few things over there.
thanks(x
http://myybeautifuldisasterr.tumblr.com/

Real Girl

once I was someone new, I was chosen for a while.with time I am changing, at least that is what they say.what is worth with being here? I pray so often for a change.


Memories of what I once was seem to fade away with time..I barely remember what it felt to be a "real girl," where the only problem i had was finishing my homework or if so-and-so were going to be at this place with such-and-such. When i was a real girl, i ate chocolate bars, I played soccer, I was an A+ student. Nights were endless and days were joy, everything was full color. I had various "best friends" and had a "thing" for many guys at once, rarely committing myself into a relationship. The thought of being alone wasn't a problem, although i rather walk along with many people, my "friends". I went out to dinner at any time of the night, I laughed, I didn't mean it, but no one noticed. I was a people person, I loved them and they loved me. I had a group and I had very selective friends. I had the world in the palm of my hands; why wouldn't i? i had everything. Who wouldn't like a smart athlete with amazing friends? Sure, I had problems at home but hey, who doesn't? As life went on, I started to grow tired. I skipped soccer practice, homework was turned in late or not at all, I had no time left for my friends, I had replaced them with broken glass, gliding though my skin. People noticed, they questioned at first, but slowly, my "friends" started going their own ways. I kept waking up early and sleeping in late. I was too lazy to eat cafeteria food, so I skipped lunch...then dinner. Breakfast was once cereal with banana, then just cereal with only soy milk, then oatmeal, then an apple, then just water. My clothes started to fit too loose, I started to get little to no sleep for days..weeks..months. I could feel so alive in one moment, but then waking up on hard concrete floor, unaware of your surroundings. Tears start to run out. I was as cold as stone. I became pale. My once "flawless" natural tan, turned into a dead gray. I pushed everyone away, and i was okay with that. The girl I once was disappeared, where did she go? She got trapped in the past, I regret letting her go, leaving her alone in her own misery; my sorrow. I miss being that girl, I hate falling into temptation..I'm sorry I failed you today, i just felt so disgusting. I haven't cried while looking at my own reflection. Tears just kept poring out..I hate what Ive become.

Reality Hurts

Everybody is just a stranger but that's the danger in going my own way.I guess it's the price I have to pay still, "Everything happens for a reason" is no reason not to ask myself


I really cant help but question why everything has been bothering me. I feel like I cant be satisfied and its kind of irritating. I know it might bother others, Im pretty aware, but I cant help but not care. My meals mostly consist of fruit and cottage cheese. Drinking water is, ofcourse, the base of it all. My hunger is slowly dissapearing and I dont mind at all. I dont want to tell anyone, I cant torture them with my obsession with food; I think they feel as if im slowly walking away from them. Today my boyfriend told me that I dont talk to him as much, and its true. I cant let him know any of this, Its too embarrassing. Plus, i dont think he'll listen, at least not as much as before. I decided to distance myself from him a bit, he doesnt seem to "open" to the whole talking so i just dont bother to say anything anymore. I rather not speak. Oh, how i hate this feeling, sadly its the only thing i KNOW how to feel..

Unsatisfied

Quivering, shivering, withering.Your mind wont let you say that you're Wondering , pondering , hungering..

I honestly can never understand this emptiness. I cant help but let it take over, spreading like some sort of disease, leaving me with nothing, but why? Why do i feel like I'm still missing something? That last piece left of my puzzle is still missing and i cant help but yearn for it. Suicide is not even an option for me anymore, I don't want to leave my life without figuring out what was left. Whatever, these questions will remain unsolved for now. One thing that really has me thinking is the whole " I love you" situation with my boyfriend. Is it possible for me to love someone when i despise myself? I don't get it. I guess what I can say is that I care a bit too much for him, whatever feeling I'm getting is something unknown to me, something scary, yet beautiful at the same time. I cant help but want to search through these feelings, discover the unknown wonders of it all. I believe that I'm going crazy, and i cant help but want to escape from it all, just for a moment.

Light as a Feather..

So I'm thinking of joining ballet. Not only did I get this idea from seeing Black Swan last night, but Ive been wanting this for a while now. Ballerinas are so graceful, fragile, and yes, thin. I want all three, but the one i want the most is probably very obvious. Last night was great, I haven't been out with my boyfriend and my friends in a long time. No acuardness what-so-ever. The only thing that ticked me off a bit was how perverted he got while watching the movie. Not only was I on my firkin period but, when he sais things like that in front of others, even after hes been like that for a while, it gets annoying and its almost as if thats all he wants from me. So yes, i do in fact get insulted. He later started "calming down" tho, except he was talking about the future and how he loves me and wants us to get married and a house and all that pretty stuff. I gotta say, it is a beautiful thought and its nice to look forward to something so "promising," thing is, I hate believing in those things; I hate bringing my hopes up and later have them crushed. I want to have faith in him, and i do have hope in us but i don't want to. I hate how close I'm getting. I hate the fact that he has the power to destroy me and heal me, at the same time. I hate that i can NEVER hate him, I hate how im vulnerable of everybody else's stupid comments on how "i can do better" or "im too good for him" or even about his physical appearance. I hate that my name goes perfect with his last name. I hate how i cant help but smile every time i see him, how i feel like blushing whenever he appears, the way his arms seem to be the only safe place in this planet, the way his smile seems to brighten my day or when he's sad, i cant help but want to fix it. I hate how I cant help the way that im so vulnerable and he knows it, yet I still deny. I hate how i cant help but press my lips against his and still feel the fire i felt from our first kiss. I hate to admit it but im falling for him, I hate how I cant seem to tell him any of this. I hate hiding but its my only option even though I want just confess this all to him. I hate how this isn't even a fraction of my feelings for him; theres still more, way more, but he cant know, not now. I hate how its almost been 2 years, yet i cant even confess how i truly felt throughout a day. I hate how i don't hate any of this, my fear of life is killing me, but i cant help but hold on.

Walking disaster

Damn what I'm becoming One of them now, Just an opened door On the endless night.
Dark desire burning In my blood now How can I be sure I don't know if I'll be able to fight

So when am I gonna learn? When will i finally understand that I should NOT eat, I shouldn't listen to others, telling me that i should get "better". Don't they get it? I WANT TO DISAPPEAR. My mind has been running around in endless circles, my heart is rotting within me, i cant help but feel some sort of loneliness. This endless disgust is overtaking me, slowly drowning myself, unable to see what everyone else sees. I'm not happy. I know i should and i know i sound selfish,  but i cant help but feel this way. The power of hate has taken over me, flowing through my blood. Becoming me. I want to get out of this but i cant. Ive made a deal with my boyfriend to get better but I'm starting to regret it all. Wish me luck.

Red rubbies

           In the midst of winter, i found there was, within me, an invincible summer(:

So i know i don't post on this thing as much as before, Ive been tired lately. This past month has been nothing but stress. I'm happy to announce that tomorrow I'm celebrating my quinceanera along with my family and friends. The anxiety is making me hungry but i will resist.  Hopefully after all of this ends, everything will turn back to normal and my life would finally be somewhat more stable. The whole situation with my boyfriend is all weird, i actually decided to bring it up yesterday in my appointment, I said that i think he's not taking me seriously anymore and its just not the same. What they told me was that i should go and tell him about it, that communication is the most important thing. So i will, soon. For now, I'm gonna focus on the most typical "girl problems", cutting my hair, dying my hair, buying new clothes, and losing some weight. Yes i know, I'm supposed to recover but fuck it, i want to feel happy, and if theres nothing else, I'm sticking with this.

Money Motivated

            Today im dirty. I want to be pretty. Tomorrow, ill be forever dirt.
Food. Nothing more, nothing less, its just there and it seems to haunt me with no end.. I hate the fact that im weak and most of all, useless. I hate the fact that im looked down on, no respect what so ever, and it kills. I want to be something special, something important. I dont like how i always give into everything. I can never stand on my own, and thats what kills me. Testing my independece with food is my biggest test, im gonna take it and i will pass no matter what comes in my way. Today is the last day of eating "normal", im gonna start by having 1000cals a week (or at least keep it arround there) . On the bright side of things, today i got an early birthday present by one of my mom's friends, he decided to give me $200! Im gonna save that money until after my quinceanera and spend it on clothes. By then, i want to be tinyer. I want to feel comfortable enough to wear something that will show off my petit figure. I am motivated to keep this promise to myself and stop at nothing to finally achieve it. I will become weightless..

Hope is,..

You never go, you're always there.Suffocating me, under my skin. I cannot run away.
Fading Slowly,..

I don't understand  where i should be going with this post, but ill just write what i can, since i didn't really come prepared for any of this,.. Well, my quinceanera is in 19 days and everything seems all too confusing. My stomach has been hurting like hell since i decided to take some pills a few days ago. I told my boyfriend i was gonna try to stop but lately, Ive been stressed out and my body doesn't seem to happy about the constant hecticness of it all. I started off with 7pills the first night. Then 11, then 7 again. Now my stomach is all fucked up. But i cant stop. The voice inside me keeps telling me to eat less and that i deserve what i have coming to me. I  don't deserve to be happy as long as my body is all fat and gross.. To make matters worse, the school met up with my mom and i and basically said that they have no hope in me getting better anytime soon so the treatment will go on. Obviously, i got mad so I'm motivated to relapsing as a "fuck you" to those people. If they expect me to get worse, then ill give them exactly what they want. As of now I'm 101lbs and ill be getting smaller and smaller, until they decide to take me more serious. I'm done with people just looking at me like i cant accomplish anything. Like I'm some stupid little girl, unable to fend for herself. I am nothing to anybody. Things with my boyfriend are starting to get all weird,.. at times i feel like hes either losing interest, or he just started to lose hope in me. We barely even talk anymore, at least not like we used to; our conversations keep going like some routine.When we are in front of people, or even alone, it seems like he really takes advantage of things and tries to make me seem dumb when he acts like a smart ass. My self-esteem is already low, and when things like this happen, i feel like i still need to get fixed in one way or another. Also, people have been talking crap behind my back, saying that i don't go to [cheer]practice because of my various doctors appointments caused by "screwing" my boyfriend. I just find it pathetic how they don't even say it to my face, if they ever did, i can almost swear that i will punch a bitch because they don't know what the fuck is going on anyways,.. Right now my mind is just in utter confusion, spiraling out of control. Tomorrow i might just take a break from it all and just stay home; I'm just exhausted.

I wonder if my boyfriend reads this or if his mom still does...I wonder what they truly think of everything i write in here..that's just a big mystery to me, and I'm scared of figuring out whether its all true or not.

dazed and confused

Sometimes I feel like i want to runaway.Get away from it all and just stay there,..

So its 5am and Ive been awake since 3:30am. What caused me to wake up so early? The fact that I had a nightmare regarding my boyfriend and the girl i mentioned on a previous post. So i started to wonder..If he would've ever brotten her home before? for "band practice"? I know its only been a dream but, like ive said in my previous post, he was about to hangout with her alone so i cant help but feel all,..question-y. I shall talk about it with him after school today. I cant help but to imagine what would've happened tho. As far as I know, she doesn't have the best reputation in the world. What would've happened behind closed doors, and do i really want to know? If he tells me that he did bring her home (or invited) and if he gives me some valid proof, then i shall respect him. Plus, i kinda owe him since this one guy kissed me and he forgave me since i told him that he was taking advantage of me and that i have no interest in him what-so-ever.I would respect him for trusting me enough to man up a bit. Also, he gave me his log in information for facebook, even though i insited he didn't, and after all of this, i gotta admit that I'm tempted to check his stuff in case i find anything valid. But i wont, I have to trust him with his answer and i shall accept the consequences if theres any. I want to change, but theres things like this that make me question: why should i even bother?

amused

So break yourself against my stones and spit your pity in my soul.You never needed any help...
You sold me out to save yourself...

So this is just dedicated to all the asshole men who've taken place in ruining my life. FUCK YOU. Cheating, raping, abusing, and taking advantage of me. Fuck all the liars and the sluts who decided to play this little fucken mind game. I dont need anyone to be happy, at times i just really want to go away, shoot you all for all i care. These thoughts come from memories and experiences that make you guys more than a pittiful excuse for human being. I never needed anybody to be happy, so go away and let me be, you mean nothing. You're just the opposite of what you claim to be you fucken asshole. One day you will get what you deserve and ill be watching, just as you burn with the rest of them. Paranoid? insane? I DONT GIVE A DAMN, you caused this so enjoy the ride. I regret ever trusting you and believeing in your pittiful word. Wanna play a game? then its on. Welcome to your personal asylum bitch.

Forsaken

I'm over it! You see I'm falling in the vast abyss; Clouded by memories of the past
At last, I see...

So I welcomed my new year with many,.."life changing" experiences. Alas, theres nothing i can really do about it, just wait and see until my life decides to get just a tiny bit better. I still cant shake the fact that people still like messing with me. Just the other day, I got a message that my boyfriend was seen holding hands, and getting really close, to some girl. I, being...me, freaked out (i mean, who wouldn't?) and things got all bad. Turns out, nothing happened. Placing the pieces together started to make a bit more sense; but one can never be too sure. I wouldn't know what to think in a situation like this; i am inevitably full of utter confusion and i sort of hate it. Situations that i cannot control condemn me to fall into my ED, the only thing i can control. If only people could understand, that i don't CHOOSE to be like this; its all part of the hole "cause and effect" cycle. Also, my nightmares don't seem to stop, i keep on waking up every hour of the night and i just cant rest. The only thing that seemed to brighten up my year was when my boyfriend and mom finally settled things out. To be honest, I thought it would've resulted a bit worse,. I'm happy it didn't.
Oh, and about "Ana", i think I'm back. Goodbye doctors, i don't need you anymore,..

Burry me,..

"Down in a hole and they've put all the stones in their place. Ive eaten the sun so my tongue has been burned of the taste. I have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth. I will speak no more of my feelings beneath.."

I guess when I'm feeling like crap, i try covering it up with lust. I know it might not sound so nice but, sometimes that's all i got. I hate how twisted my emotions get, i don't cut, i cant purge, and i have to eat more "normal," just to convince my doctors that I'm better so that i can get the fuck out of treatment. I don't like talking about my feelings, i barely even do that with my boyfriend. I don't get the point of it. At night, i get these weird nightmares, and i am officially terrified of my room. Last night I had a weird nightmare involving my best friend and my boyfriend, having an affair; the night before, i dreamt i was being chased, and later raped, by someone i don't really remember. I don't understand these dreams at all. I'm not even safe in my own dreams anymore, so now I'm compelled to suffer a bit more. My body feels disgusting, and the fact that my boyfriend keeps holding me, makes me feel a bit more insecure. I need to buy myself more pills (or steal), i need to start controlling my life a bit more. Until then, i shall sleep in my couch..

This is for you

Ever since the day you left my fate's been set unknown. How many years to walk this path alone?
So much to see tonight, so why'd you close your eyes? Why can't I shut mine?

Dear Jenny,

    Where did you go? Why did you have to leave me behind? Why was I left with this monster, haunting and destroying every sane part of my mind. I'm not myself anymore, I feel lost. I don't belong here; I have no where else to know. You left me trapped in this never ending nightmare where happiness seems to be unknown. I'm sorry I let you down, I couldnt help it. Im sorry you had to see these insecurities show. We dont deserve this, at least i hope not. You were once so happy, without a simple care in the world. Life was never perfect, but you had hope; everything could always get better. We were once so positive, what happened? One day, we will be reunited and this nightmare will end. We will be free, but for now, ill just keep on searching for you. Even if it kills.

 Love,
 Me

nightmares

you don't remember me but i remember you. i lie awake and try so hard not to think of you, but who can decide what they dream? and dream i do...

Before i begin, Im happy to say that its 2011. New year and new resolutions! I also wanted to point out the picture i decided to use. No, its not my foot, but it should be. I love who made this because it just made my day. So thank you stranger. Now back to the blog. I spent New Year's over at my friends house at some cow-town. I couldnt sleep, especially for the fact that i ate like a grimy little pig, i felt horrible. Plus, ive been getting weird dreams (nothing new) but these involve my mom and something happening to her, and i have the right to panic. Maybe that's why i decided to get into some argument with my boyfriend. I dont regret saying anything, i know for a fact that i had the right to state my opinion. Getting mad at your boyfriend because he was going to hang out with a girl, alone, should be enough to get any girl upset. Its not that i dont trust him, but thats just taking things pretty far.There's just that line of respect that he basically crossed. Im happy that he let me know, instead of him just going, but anyone out there would probably consider that cheating and i dont want people to start saying that im to "easy" or just another stupid girl that has no idea of whats going on. I would hate that and i would be embarrassed. I was pretty mad though, like to the point where i was shaking, i guess it was because i didnt really know what to think and how it reminded me of my ex boyfriend who decided to play me and get at this girl, claiming it was his "friend" and that they were just "hanging out". Things like this, i would really like to talk to him about, but i just want to drop it. I dont want to make it a bigger deal than it really is. I just really hope he honestly understood and that he's being honest when he said he's not going to do that. I just wish that he could appologize more often. Just say that he didnt know it would affect me so much, or anything like that; but i guess we cant all have everything. I just want it to work. I hope im not another fool..