Saturday, March 12, 2011

Real Girl

once I was someone new, I was chosen for a while.with time I am changing, at least that is what they say.what is worth with being here? I pray so often for a change.

Memories of what I once was seem to fade away with time..I barely remember what it felt to be a "real girl," where the only problem i had was finishing my homework or if so-and-so were going to be at this place with such-and-such. When i was a real girl, i ate chocolate bars, I played soccer, I was an A+ student. Nights were endless and days were joy, everything was full color. I had various "best friends" and had a "thing" for many guys at once, rarely committing myself into a relationship. The thought of being alone wasn't a problem, although i rather walk along with many people, my "friends". I went out to dinner at any time of the night, I laughed, I didn't mean it, but no one noticed. I was a people person, I loved them and they loved me. I had a group and I had very selective friends. I had the world in the palm of my hands; why wouldn't i? i had everything. Who wouldn't like a smart athlete with amazing friends? Sure, I had problems at home but hey, who doesn't? As life went on, I started to grow tired. I skipped soccer practice, homework was turned in late or not at all, I had no time left for my friends, I had replaced them with broken glass, gliding though my skin. People noticed, they questioned at first, but slowly, my "friends" started going their own ways. I kept waking up early and sleeping in late. I was too lazy to eat cafeteria food, so I skipped lunch...then dinner. Breakfast was once cereal with banana, then just cereal with only soy milk, then oatmeal, then an apple, then just water. My clothes started to fit too loose, I started to get little to no sleep for days..weeks..months. I could feel so alive in one moment, but then waking up on hard concrete floor, unaware of your surroundings. Tears start to run out. I was as cold as stone. I became pale. My once "flawless" natural tan, turned into a dead gray. I pushed everyone away, and i was okay with that. The girl I once was disappeared, where did she go? She got trapped in the past, I regret letting her go, leaving her alone in her own misery; my sorrow. I miss being that girl, I hate falling into temptation..I'm sorry I failed you today, i just felt so disgusting. I haven't cried while looking at my own reflection. Tears just kept poring out..I hate what Ive become.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Reality Hurts

Everybody is just a stranger but that's the danger in going my own way.I guess it's the price I have to pay still, "Everything happens for a reason" is no reason not to ask myself

I really cant help but question why everything has been bothering me. I feel like I cant be satisfied and its kind of irritating. I know it might bother others, Im pretty aware, but I cant help but not care. My meals mostly consist of fruit and cottage cheese. Drinking water is, ofcourse, the base of it all. My hunger is slowly dissapearing and I dont mind at all. I dont want to tell anyone, I cant torture them with my obsession with food; I think they feel as if im slowly walking away from them. Today my boyfriend told me that I dont talk to him as much, and its true. I cant let him know any of this, Its too embarrassing. Plus, i dont think he'll listen, at least not as much as before. I decided to distance myself from him a bit, he doesnt seem to "open" to the whole talking so i just dont bother to say anything anymore. I rather not speak. Oh, how i hate this feeling, sadly its the only thing i KNOW how to feel..

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


Quivering, shivering, withering.Your mind wont let you say that you're Wondering , pondering , hungering..

I honestly can never understand this emptiness. I cant help but let it take over, spreading like some sort of disease, leaving me with nothing, but why? Why do i feel like I'm still missing something? That last piece left of my puzzle is still missing and i cant help but yearn for it. Suicide is not even an option for me anymore, I don't want to leave my life without figuring out what was left. Whatever, these questions will remain unsolved for now. One thing that really has me thinking is the whole " I love you" situation with my boyfriend. Is it possible for me to love someone when i despise myself? I don't get it. I guess what I can say is that I care a bit too much for him, whatever feeling I'm getting is something unknown to me, something scary, yet beautiful at the same time. I cant help but want to search through these feelings, discover the unknown wonders of it all. I believe that I'm going crazy, and i cant help but want to escape from it all, just for a moment.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Light as a Feather..

So I'm thinking of joining ballet. Not only did I get this idea from seeing Black Swan last night, but Ive been wanting this for a while now. Ballerinas are so graceful, fragile, and yes, thin. I want all three, but the one i want the most is probably very obvious. Last night was great, I haven't been out with my boyfriend and my friends in a long time. No acuardness what-so-ever. The only thing that ticked me off a bit was how perverted he got while watching the movie. Not only was I on my firkin period but, when he sais things like that in front of others, even after hes been like that for a while, it gets annoying and its almost as if thats all he wants from me. So yes, i do in fact get insulted. He later started "calming down" tho, except he was talking about the future and how he loves me and wants us to get married and a house and all that pretty stuff. I gotta say, it is a beautiful thought and its nice to look forward to something so "promising," thing is, I hate believing in those things; I hate bringing my hopes up and later have them crushed. I want to have faith in him, and i do have hope in us but i don't want to. I hate how close I'm getting. I hate the fact that he has the power to destroy me and heal me, at the same time. I hate that i can NEVER hate him, I hate how im vulnerable of everybody else's stupid comments on how "i can do better" or "im too good for him" or even about his physical appearance. I hate that my name goes perfect with his last name. I hate how i cant help but smile every time i see him, how i feel like blushing whenever he appears, the way his arms seem to be the only safe place in this planet, the way his smile seems to brighten my day or when he's sad, i cant help but want to fix it. I hate how I cant help the way that im so vulnerable and he knows it, yet I still deny. I hate how i cant help but press my lips against his and still feel the fire i felt from our first kiss. I hate to admit it but im falling for him, I hate how I cant seem to tell him any of this. I hate hiding but its my only option even though I want just confess this all to him. I hate how this isn't even a fraction of my feelings for him; theres still more, way more, but he cant know, not now. I hate how its almost been 2 years, yet i cant even confess how i truly felt throughout a day. I hate how i don't hate any of this, my fear of life is killing me, but i cant help but hold on.