Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Food. Nothing more, nothing less, its just there and it seems to haunt me with no end.. I hate the fact that im weak and most of all, useless. I hate the fact that im looked down on, no respect what so ever, and it kills. I want to be something special, something important. I dont like how i always give into everything. I can never stand on my own, and thats what kills me. Testing my independece with food is my biggest test, im gonna take it and i will pass no matter what comes in my way. Today is the last day of eating "normal", im gonna start by having 1000cals a week (or at least keep it arround there) . On the bright side of things, today i got an early birthday present by one of my mom's friends, he decided to give me $200! Im gonna save that money until after my quinceanera and spend it on clothes. By then, i want to be tinyer. I want to feel comfortable enough to wear something that will show off my petit figure. I am motivated to keep this promise to myself and stop at nothing to finally achieve it. I will become weightless..
Monday, January 31, 2011
I don't understand where i should be going with this post, but ill just write what i can, since i didn't really come prepared for any of this,.. Well, my quinceanera is in 19 days and everything seems all too confusing. My stomach has been hurting like hell since i decided to take some pills a few days ago. I told my boyfriend i was gonna try to stop but lately, Ive been stressed out and my body doesn't seem to happy about the constant hecticness of it all. I started off with 7pills the first night. Then 11, then 7 again. Now my stomach is all fucked up. But i cant stop. The voice inside me keeps telling me to eat less and that i deserve what i have coming to me. I don't deserve to be happy as long as my body is all fat and gross.. To make matters worse, the school met up with my mom and i and basically said that they have no hope in me getting better anytime soon so the treatment will go on. Obviously, i got mad so I'm motivated to relapsing as a "fuck you" to those people. If they expect me to get worse, then ill give them exactly what they want. As of now I'm 101lbs and ill be getting smaller and smaller, until they decide to take me more serious. I'm done with people just looking at me like i cant accomplish anything. Like I'm some stupid little girl, unable to fend for herself. I am nothing to anybody. Things with my boyfriend are starting to get all weird,.. at times i feel like hes either losing interest, or he just started to lose hope in me. We barely even talk anymore, at least not like we used to; our conversations keep going like some routine.When we are in front of people, or even alone, it seems like he really takes advantage of things and tries to make me seem dumb when he acts like a smart ass. My self-esteem is already low, and when things like this happen, i feel like i still need to get fixed in one way or another. Also, people have been talking crap behind my back, saying that i don't go to [cheer]practice because of my various doctors appointments caused by "screwing" my boyfriend. I just find it pathetic how they don't even say it to my face, if they ever did, i can almost swear that i will punch a bitch because they don't know what the fuck is going on anyways,.. Right now my mind is just in utter confusion, spiraling out of control. Tomorrow i might just take a break from it all and just stay home; I'm just exhausted.
I wonder if my boyfriend reads this or if his mom still does...I wonder what they truly think of everything i write in here..that's just a big mystery to me, and I'm scared of figuring out whether its all true or not.