Saturday, November 27, 2010
so thinking back at my childhood i was a pretty happy child, the thing that was always gripping at my chest was the sad feeling of emptyness. Im not even trying to exagerate here, my mom and i were always moving, we were never stable in one place, my father was an asshole and never helped out with anything, he watched my cry and get beaten by his son but he never cared, he always told me to just suck it up because crying doesnt solve anything. People started leaving; either escaping in their dreams, forever asleep or just moving far away. I never had people to talk to, my mom was constantly working and didnt have any time to hear my "little stories"(or complaints), and the people that i once trusted just left me abandoned. I actually just decided to talk to myself, sure it was odd, but i was the only peson that would listen and understand what i was going through. I was sexually abused by many people, my brothers' friends, my friend's uncles, and a strange man whom this day i cant really remember. Going through a horrible depression in 6th grade and slowly entering the doors to this hell i call "mia". Instead of providing comfort, the voices inside my head were constantly beating me down, telling me to just risk everything,even my health, to find true happiness. Dont get me wrong, it wasnt all bad, i found a big comfort with playing barbies as young as 3 years old; it never bothered me playing alone. I was always known as amazingly smart since the day i began to talk, i loved sports and i loved the fact that i was different, yet liked. I loved singing, to this day i still do. Its my comfort zone, i love experssing my feelings through song and still being able to entertain others. I love it when people compliment me on my voice, although i always like to think i can do better(:
Im happy to say that ive been in countless relationships (not all successful ofcourse) but i honestly dont regret anything, i love learning from my mistakes!
As for today, i felt like just resting and listening to music while talking to my best friend, caro, who i happen to know for a long time. I just had a horrible B/P experience, i took 3laxies when i finished and now im just trying to distract myself.
If I can Remember
To know this will Conquer me
If I can
Just walk alone
And try to escape
Friday, November 26, 2010
purge you little worthless, you deserve to suffer, prge it out and feel pure,..something you havent been in a while.,..purge,purge,purge grilled cheese in the morning, feeling dizzy, the voices inside my head dont leave me alone. im tryinh to not fall into temptation with this, i swear im not but this voice is yelling at me, i feel insane. im left alone, i feel scared. im very unexpected, i surprse others but mostly myself. I feel dirty, i have promised myself that i shall not eat later today, ill take some laxies and go on with my day. I want school to start, i want to get away from this house. the walls seem to be talking to me, tempting me to just go on with it, the mirror haunts me, calling my name, ready to criticize my body, taunt me with its horrid image. i dont want to think about it. i dont want to think at all,..i just want to rest. Its barelly friday, for some strange reason time just seems to be against me its either to fast or to slow!
in good news, i found out that people actually read this! i checked out my stats and im so proud of myself, its nice to know that some people do take an interest in this, oh joy(:
in other news, i was reading my old journal last night and omg, i was so much stronger back then. it wouldnt be a bad idea to learn a thing or two of my old self..hmm...
Thursday, November 25, 2010
well happy thanksgiving to anyone out there. i literally thought this year was gonna be lonely, im so happy it wasnt(: my mom and i had a great day(x a family friend came to visit this morning while another friend barelly left a couple of minutes ago. I dont know why, but eversince i woke up i felt like telling everybody that i loved them(: i texted my boyfriend the whole day..i wonder what he thinks of my corny side. haha. today i dont really want to focus on my ED at all, although i do admit that i stole more "laxies" today..so far i has 2 at lunch (omelette,tomato slices, and a bit of rice) and i just took 3 after "dinner" (tomato slices with chile, and grapes). Im thinking of taking 2 more at about 11pm. i know its completely risky but since i havent purged, the food needs to get out some way?
my hopes and dreams will never go on hold, the constant battle against myself is too intense. today, i just 'faked' the fact that i didnt care about what i ate, i just wanted to give my mom a break for once. i love the fact that i didnt really have to change at all today(: im excited for the "hangover" tomorrow and just staying in. im gonna dread the fact that i took too many pills but, it kills to be prettym and im gonna suck it up until i feel satisfied. i want this, more than you know... i need this..
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I dont know if anyone noticed, I highly doubt anyone did, but i deleted all my old posts for personal reasons. I have to admit that deleting them was as bad as tearing out a piece of my heart out. The memories and the confidetiallity I had in this blog was ripped out. This was never to offend anybody, these are simply the feelings i felt at that moment locked inside me with no form of escape. Apparently my thoughts can be to out-of-the-ordinary, I know. The means of this is like a diary. In "the outside world," i dont really talk to anyone about this, i have no one to trust. Sure, i see a psycologist every once in a while, but how does that help me? I barely even know the person. But im expected to tell them ALL..for me, things dont work out that way..they never did. My eating disorder is out of control. Before, i was a bit more ANA than MIA, but now-a-days im MIA with some ANA..(get it?). Any who, relationship with my mom has been increadibly awkard since that night..the only people that dare to know what happen are me,my mother, and cris. Although things with him feel more confusing as well, i dont really bother myself with telling him things anymore..I completely feel like i lost that bond with him since it seems like he just doesnt take me serious anymore. Him and i got into an argumet yesterday since he "tried" to make me not worry about the situation with my mom, altough it backfired right after when he was basically telling me that its my fault this shit happens. Right now i feel as though im lost in oblivion. I honestly dont know what to feel..sometimes i rather just sleep forever and finally rest..but i just couldnt do that to my mom. Shes basically the reason why im still breathing. Later today ill be going to visit my best friend in tracy(: i have so much to tell her, im just hoping i dont burst out crying. Well, thats all for now i guess.
"darkness cover me, deny everything..Slowly walk away, to breathe again. On my own"