Saturday, December 25, 2010

merry fucken christmas,..

Watching me, wanting me,.I can feel you pull me down. Fearing you... loving you I won't let you pull me down

So this Christmas has to be one of the saddest ever. My siblings are gone, my mom's working, and my "father" bailed on me and decided to go to Sacramento. I mean, really? What did i do to deserve this? I mean, i know I'm not necessarily a "good" girl, but i don't think this is totally fair. I lost my appetite, i feel gross beyond belief. On the bright side, i spent all night texting my boyfriend and had an interesting conversation with him. I won't complain, i got entertained. As always, something always leads to another; he was telling me how much he loves me and all that pretty stuff that us girls love to hear. I have to admit, i sometimes like believing all of it is true. I like knowing i have something to believe in, something that i can actually look forward on doing in the future. Its scary to think that maybe life can be this easy, although it seems to good to be true. But who knows? I'm still keeping my guard up, at least until we're together for,...lets say,...3-4more years? I'm testing him, so far, he's passing. One year and 2,almost 3, months(:

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Am i precious to you now?

Throw away The charade of your life, Let the flame of my heart Burn away Your complacence tonight...
Fearing no one

So i really need to pull myself together. I know for a fact that i gained at least 1-2lbs since I've been eating more than i should at the times that i shouldn't. Ive been trying to chillax for these couple of days, i don't want to stress myself out anymore..I was thinking that i should rely on apples and veggies until Saturday. and ill try to either do that, OR keep my limit between 300-500cals (less = more ). ill keep doing my exercises like i do and hopefully ill lose some by, week. Ive had a great week, in the "real" world, I'm not complaining. I'm just hoping that ill be able to see my boyfriend on Tuesday. Ive been seeing way less of him this break. Maybe this is exactly what we needed. I'm having extra time to hang out with my girls and strengthening our friendship(: I'm happy to say that there hasn't been a day that I'm alone <3. I'm terrified of being alone. Ive never been scared of anything in my life other than being alone.I know for a fact that i turn completely insane when I'm alone. When i was young and i was left alone, bad things seemed to always happen. If i was left alone some sick man would try to have his way with me. When i was left alone at my dad's house, my step-brother made sure to make my day a living hell, pretty much i would get beaten and insulted with no end. When i am left alone, i have a tendency to b/p, scar my already hideous body, and just drown in the pool of my own sorrow. I hate sounding like I'm being dramatic , but that's the best way for me to descibe it. I try to avoid my house, which i don't consider home. I feel a sigh of eternal relief when I'm out with a friend or when my mother comes back home safe from work. I never liked staying home and not doing anything. I don't like acting like my dad, he never did anything. I guess i listen to music because i feel liberated, i can honestly say that i feel like I'm somewhere else. The horrible nightmares that seem to appear almost every night are whats causing me to keep moving rooms. I am mentally exhausted.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Holding On to something,..

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me; Distracting, reacting. Against my will I stand beside my own reflection,..It's haunting how I can't seem... To find myself again

   So it kind of sucks how much i really despise myself. I feel weak and with no control what so ever; maybe that's why i get taken advantage of. I don't know. I want to prove to myself and others that i am strong, and that i do know how to make my own decisions. Today i sang "live" and i was so happy. My voice is recovering from the various burns my throat's been through. I hate how i ate at 7pm, i feel like a failure. I hate how i ate so much today because my boyfriend came over. I hate how I always do that. I hate how much i despise my disgusting body. I hate how I'm bound to be imperfect with my scars. I hate how i cant keep it together anymore,..I hate how at moments i feel helplessly alone. I hate how i cant help but feel claustrophobic in my own skin trapped beneath my flesh with no way to crawl out. No form of escape; I'm trapt in a asylum. Going insane. Because i am, that's what i decided to make of myself..I saw my boyfriend today and i felt so happy, its crazy how much one person can affect you. After him and i talked things out (after i ate like the sick pig i was bound to be), he seemed to be in a better mood. We promised each other to not keep things from each other anymore, to be honest and to not lie.Like always, i hate making promises. I have to talk to him about my ED feelings and all that stuff,..I swear it wont be easy. I hate how i have to do this, i know ill get annoying. I need help.  But i don't want it.     

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Past is Indestructable

Blind your eyes to what you see;You can't embrace it.Leave it well enough alone And don't remember
Cut your pride and watch it bleed;You can't deny it. Pain you know you can't ignore..

So I really dont know how to start this out, i feel terrible. Im not feeling right, i know i mess up, im not perfect but i hate when people just start bashing on it. I  had to go take some tests today and my doctor noticed the scars on my stomach,.. i felt so embarrased i swear i dont know what to do. I said i got them in a soccer incident. I feel helpless because i ate more than i wanted today. I feel sick to my stomach. I was talking to my best-guy-friend, and oh god, i felt releaved,. i said so much. I was tempted to say more, but I just couldnt find a way to say anything. Everything has its ups and downs, i hate how much people expect me to do things for them, to solve their problems but they just dont care to listen or be there when i need them. I really hope i dont sound selfish or self-centered. I just want someone to be there and give me an honest sighn of hope,.. I cant find that. I know some try but i can tell that they get sick of it, or they just cant find a streight answer to anything. Im like the last to be notified of someting; im the last choice,.. its always been that way. Seing my body reminds me of the ass-holes who once took advantage of it, I feel deformed because thats how they left me. If i prove to myself that i have control, then maybe people would take me more serious and maybe some people would stop trying to fuck me over. I had one too many things/people get taken away from me. My innocence was ripped from me at the tender age of 3. I want to regain that control i never had, i wanna feel weightless and be able to finally take control of my life. I just dont want to live in fear. Everytime i mess up I get taken back to the days when all that happened. Maybe if i was stronger, nothing like that wouldve happened to me.. I just dont know.

deeply disturbed

Release me!No remnants were ever found of it Feeling the hot bile,With every fake smile.Though no evidence was ever found,It never went away completely,..

so i lost ablout 3lbs, im happy but not quite satisfied. You see, the old me would be happy and would be satisfied with the amazing progress she made. Sadly, this isnt me anymore, this just means i have to keep working as hard, if not harder, than how i was. The thought of me becoming this disturbes me, yet the sinisterness just makes me proud. Last night i couldnt help but break down, on the last minute, a dancer decided to give me the news that he cant be in my 15 anymore, i mean i get it but, seriously? If he wasnt ready to commit to it then why make me make all these plans? He didnt even tell me, my boyfriend did. I was left there, worrying . I had to make so much calls and i had to plan everything all over again. I do admit that im pissed off and that if i talk about it to someone i will eventually break down. That would be one of the most horrible things you can do/say to a quinceanera with less than 2months for the party. I mean, wow. Im paniking because i dont know if the guys i wanted could make it.. I dont want to talk to him, i am somewhat dissapointed that he didnt tell me anything or not let me know on time,. Now im scared, i really am. I swear if anyone brings this up, theres no doubt that i will break down.. Good news is that its 12;15pm and i ate oatmeal, (breakfast) and lunch i had frozen strawberries and 3 baby carrots(: i will keep this up and hopefully ill write back with more reports. Im going to the mall! yay distraction.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

i was thinking,..

that I'm not going to go to treatment anymore; i don't need to go. I think I'm perfectly fine and i don't have a problem. I'm working out at least 3x a day doing 75 crunches, 25 knee ups (lower belly), 100 twist-thingies, and 300 seconds of this "half sit up" thing and it BURNS. in the morning i eat an apple (no peal) and i eat frozen strawberries (1 cup = 50cals). so far its been pretty hard to keep that up since my moms gonna be home for the next 2days. Ill try surviving. My mind has been working in strange ways for the past,..weeks. My dreams get more blurry, yet more painful every time, I'm either killing myself OR someones doing it for me. I dont know what that means. I had a dream where i was pregnant and i stabbed myself to death, worse thing is that i FELT  it. The pain was so brutal, so real that i couldn't help but picture my own death. My whole life, flashing before my eyes. Most people in circumstances like this end up frightened, not. The whole idea seemed a bit calming, i felt somewhat rested, yet i cant help but wonder what it all means,.. All i know is that i am done. I want nothing to do with the hospital anymore,. i cant do it.