Saturday, December 10, 2011
If I scare you now, don't run from me. I've been hiding my pain, you see
Good morning my dears, It's currently 5am and I've been awake for the past hour, or so. Why am I up so early? Great question, I had one of those seemingly realistic nightmares that take place in my room. To be quite honest, I have a feeling it was all real. I felt something pushing on my rib cage and whispering something weird to my ear. I saw my room as it was, but this weird force didn't let me go. Now, I'm inanely tired, but too scared to shut my eyes. Plus, I'm trying to debate whether eating is a good idea, or not. Oh the agony :P
Friday, December 9, 2011
My fingers reach through the screen and comb through the garbage until they find the home of the shrieking chorus, hungry girls singing endless anthems while our throats bleed and rust and fill up with loneliness. I could scroll through these songs for the rest o my life and never find the beginning.
I hate my fat stomach. I feel incredibly lost within myself, I dont want to keep going like this. I realized how easy it is to lie to my mom again. I guess since it's been month since I've shown any sign of an ED around her, she seems more comfortable in believing that I already ate. Obviously I'll end up distracting my hunger with some green tea tonight.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
‘As soon as I think I’ve hit rock bottom, some guy hands me a shovel and says, ‘Keep digging, motherfucker.
What a lovely day today turned out to be, I just finished performing for show choir at school, and we sounded fantastic. Now after a long week, I'm here at home drinking green tea and wishing it was friday. Now, my state of mind is quite chaotic. Winter break is coming along and I'm considering the idea of fasting. I know, its been FOREVER since that idea came to mind, but I can't help but want to do it. I'm in the middle of wanting to be fit and toned or being skin and bones.
In other news, I made it into a musical casting. The people really liked my voice, and I was incredibly proud. Although I didn't get one of the leads, I'm really happy I got in! I've no experience in acting so a small part will be just fine for now. I'm really proud of my voice, though! I havent purged in a while, so this has been a really great accomplishment. Sure, it's much more difficult than when my throat was better, but hey, I'm getting used to it. My throat bleeds every once-in-a-while, but that's okay. I can hear myself improving, and I've been getting amazing compliments from the people that had already heard me sing.
As for my relationship news, I can't help but feel completely weirded out by it...like, I just don't feel completely attracted anymore. I dont know if it's the result of me being too tired to do anything with him, or his lack of motivation to do anything. He doesn't seem like he wants to change at all. I mean, I love him and everything, but the weight gain is just a small example of him not really wanting to do anything, which bothers me a bit. Now, I'm not saying that "fat people are gross," or that "looks are everything," but lets face it, they are a reflection of who we are as a person. Him and I have agreed to workout together every once-in-a-while, but that has never happened. This relationship isn't as excited as it was when we first started. I feel as if im the only one trying out all of these new things and meeting all of these new people and he's just sitting at home playing video games. I dont know, maybe we just gotten to comfortable with each other, which caused us to drift apart for a bit (oh the irony). Maybe it's just me overreacting to nothing. Quite frankly, I just don't know what to do,think, or say anymore so I guess I'll just shut up.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
“What if this storm ends? And I don’t see you, As you are now, Ever again;The Perfect Halo, of gold hair and lightning.What if this storm ends? And leaves us nothing, Except a memory, A distant echo”
I'm not quite sure of my intentions right now. I don't know where I'm going with this post, but I want to write. I've been wanting to write for a while actually, I just never knew what I wanted say. So I'm finally going to sit down and unwrap every script of feeling I have lost inside my mind. Every word tied up into knots inside my head. I want to write and express what I can't in real life.
I always wondered what it would be like to be just a skeleton. No blood rushing through my veins, no coat of skin to cover me. No fat to save me from the cold. I just want to be a shiny skeleton without the burden of these organs. I want to unwrap myself and see what I really am. My skeleton. The piles of bones that make up....ME. The ones that keep me together and give me a form. I wonder what it would be like to feel nothing. Not knowing the difference between warmth or cold, just staying there. Now, you might say that I would probably be missing out on "life," and that's correct. But, what exactly is life? Sure, i'm breathing, I have a beating heart, but what exactly is "life'? Everyone's view on life is completely different from each others. Everyone has a completely different perspective on what it means to truly live. For others, life doesn't happen until they die, but what then? Are the promises of religion actually fulfilled after death? Is there another part of oblivion that we don't know of? Or are we just born into another life?