Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Lonely Wednesdays

You claim to be my long, absent friendYou are the cancer that just moved in. You come with the dark night of the soulBut I’m turning my back on you, you know I do.

So I want to begin by apologizing to those who still decide to follow this cold and empty blog, I do appreciate it. My journey these past few months have not been the easiest; my mind and my body continue to fight their endless battles that seem to define whether or not I continue living this, far-from-normal, life. I have gained weight, a lot of it, but I honestly have no other choice but to deal with it. My new pastime involves endless hours of working out, rather than eternities debating whether or not to purge my dinner now or overdose on painful laxatives once my mother falls asleep. I am completely convinced that my food problems will never end, and I'm okay with that. There is absolutely nothing that can change my mind and this point and that is honestly nobody's business. I have learnt to keep my temper trapped inside my unstable mind and I have actually gotten myself to wear a bikini a few weeks ago. Sure, not everything's bad, but once the lights go out and the blinds close, I have a tendency to fall back into my dark abyss. Sure, it may not be the best thing to do while recovering, but I can't help but go back into my old sanctuary. As odd as it may be, I feel safe falling into that darkness because that's all I know what to do. This "normal" lifestyle is not meant for me; I can't help but feel overwhelmed by everything that goes on in a "normal person's life". But hopefully one day I will.