Thursday, November 24, 2011

Sexual Frustruation

Here on this stainless table I come inside you and haunt your dreams.
Baby I don't mind, you can fake it, but come away with me.

I don't quite understand why I'm feeling this way, maybe I'm just lonely, but I want you near me. I miss your touch, your kiss, your warm breath on my neck. I'm not used to writing about this in detail, but I know I was bound to do it sometime. Maybe I'm not sexually frustrated. Maybe I'm just used to having you with me, and I can't quite put it into words yet. Maybe it's just the sound of your hypnotizing voice, the raw intensity of every sound coming out of your mouth. Maybe its the way your body is; every muscle perfectly placed on your arms, your chest. I don't quite know what it is about you, but I can't help but want you near me. From the beginning of it all, I couldn't help but want to be near you; feel our bodies touch, our skin causing beautiful friction. The way you look at me, with those deep brown eyes. That intense, hypnotizing stare you do when talking to me. I want you; yes. But maybe I don't want sex. Maybe I'm just want to feel your presence near mine. I want to hold you, I want to make beautiful music with you. I want to feel my heart racing. I don't want to feel like I miss you; I want you here with me, in the flesh. I want to hear your heartbeat, I want to feel your blood pumping with every breath you take. I want to believe every lyric you wrote, every note you played, every breath you took when you promised me tomorrow. I'm not in love. Then again, I'm not in lust with you either. I want you. I adore you. I need you. Maybe not forever. I want you now, tomorrow can wait. I have all the time in the world.

Monday, November 21, 2011


I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine and  I know I'll see you again;whether far or soon. But I need you to know that I care and I miss you.

Just a typical Monday where the weather decides to welcome me with it's piercing cold wind,tempting me to crawl back under my covers. Every time winter knocks on my door, I feel as though I should be tinier than I was before. There's something about this weather that makes me want to be fragile and cold. It's amazing actually, while other's are striving for warmth, I want to feel cold in a much deeper extent. I want to challenge myself to be as cold as the weather outside. I mean, winter is such a beautiful season, so why can't I? Last night, my boyfriend decided to take me to the movies and stay warm. Now, I don't really know how this happened, but  I just felt like I left my body. I felt the cold wind piercing my skin, with an intensity that was just too surreal at that moment. I felt as though I was being welcomed into a surrounding I once was so familiar with. I remember stepping into a small french cafe after the movie ended, and I felt completely disgusted with the food. In order for him not to worry, I ordered a cup of green tea  and a salad. I began picking at my food while I took gulps of my tea. I remember spacing out and slowly coming back to life again. He later invited me for some dessert and my mood completely changed. I began to get angry for no reason; I was disgusted. We later went outside to the cold rain and found a dry spot near a building. As we began kissing, I caught myself thinking of the calories I would be burning while I was kissing him (since making out burns about 25cals a minute). I later thought about how much fat I would be burning if I stayed out in the cold for longer, and how much the green tea would affect me. All of these thoughts began coming back, as though I've been storing them for ages. I don't know whether to be scared or not, but I am quite happy to say that I'm gaining the control I lost. I know these thoughts are "bad," but I can't help but feel ready. Then again, I hope I can stop myself before it's too late.