Friday, December 3, 2010


So im pretty aware that i just posted a while ago, but during this short period of time, i managed to order a couple of lollipops. I know exactly what i bought, ive had my eyes on these for a while. Theyre called Hoodia Lollipops and they supposedly have ephedra, which is good for fat burn, suprece appetite, and give you energy. Now, im not saying that i completely believe what they say, but it doesnt hurt to try? The money i used to buy this is from my dads child support money. Since im pretty sure not having a christmas, i decided to treat myself with something that might benefit me(: Now, im not selfish, the rest of the money is gonna be spent on my mom and her gift. She clearly deserves something great, and im gonna do whatever it takes to help her out. As for today, thats pretty much it. I managed to get 4 packets of "emergency pills," so im pretty much set for this month. Now all i gotta do is wait, hopefully time goes by fast and i can get my lollipops and ill finally be on my way to happyness.

a bit of heaven

Oh yes, i did in fact went against my own selfish belief, i dared to drink milk! it all started when my mom brought some oreos from work, and well,.. you can imagine what happens after that(: Every time i dunked that cookie into the milk, i swear my childhood came flashing at me, i dared to give an honest smile. Today turned out better than i thought, I saw my dad and oh boy, was it great. We even reminisced about my baby days and he actually offered to get me a new phone! (shocking, i know) I'm actually helping my mother out with dinner and i just might enjoy it.
well,.. other than my B/P episode and my lack of pills, today was good. My throat still burns and i did in fact bleed. A day full of childhood memories and food is a good way to end the day. I might see the "novio" tomorrow, ahh so much to tell him. I wont call tonight cause, if he means it,he'll miss me more and when i see him, it would be more,..pretty.(x

Thursday, December 2, 2010


,..Time; its either too much or just not enough. We are never happy, we either want more of something or want less, we're selfish. I am in fact talking about everyone in general, i don't know anyone who hasn't felt any form of selfishness in their lives. I'm not excluding me either, Ive been pretty selfish all my life, even if it was just as innocent as wanting a certain Barbie for Christmas. My selfishness extends to seeking attention; sometimes i crave it, i want more attention; other times i just want less or just none. I admit I'm never happy, i just learn to deal. December 2nd, 2010, my amazing boyfriend turn 14 amazing months together, yet I'm still waiting for school to end so that i can be off with him, stepping into the doors of freedom. Although that sounds amazingly pretty, a part of me still cant help but to doubt every single word of that sentence. Today my B/P cycle continued after i got back home from counseling, I'm seeing my father tomorrow, and i got to admit,..I'm not excited. I dont want to see him. Why would i? I'm being devoured by resentment and drowning in my own misery, ANA wont seem to leave me alone. I told my therapist about my views of death and almost started crying. I honestly do need a break, thanks to that, I'm being highly recommended to attend an intensive care program (way to go jenny,..) I'm going to the psychologist tomorrow morning, with Brian on Saturday, a checkup on Monday,and therapist of Tuesday, Well people that read this, now i must drown myself with my pills before i go to sleep and just try thinking positive thoughts of this great day with my boy(x

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Dying. Just a never ending dream, at least that's what i think it is. I honestly dont really believe in a heaven or hell. I think that when you die, you are in a dream, so sweet and so comforting that you will rest. Like all dreams, we all wake up and that happens when we are "reborn" but as someone else. Like re-encarnation.People dont experience "heaven" or "hell" when they die, i personally belive that it all takes place in your lifetime, the person choses whether to live in its own "heaven," making the best out of everything. In cases like mine, I honestly do believe that i live in my own personal hell, although i dont really like admiting it. I try to make the best out of it. Dont get me wrong, i do have my heaven moments, like today for example, i finally spent real time with my boyfriend, days like today help me remember why i stayed this long in the first place, we whent to go out to eat something i havent eaten in years and it was great! This day had humor, love, friendship, food, and music packed into it. I wouldnt give it up for anything, honestly. Sadly, right now im stepping back into my hell known as "ANA". Scared for tonight, im seriously dreading the sleepless hours, the pains from the pills i took (3) and the voice inside my head repeating everything i dont want to hear. I do admit, i am scared, the vivid nightmares that are so real, i can almost swear that im not dreaming at all. I will survive. I will fast tomorrow, i swear that if i dont, i will go insane,.. Some guy called me fat, Im aware that he was just joking but the fact that he involved my biggest insecurity against me, makes me want to react in the most dramatic way. I dont know how tomorrows gonna turn out, but i sure hope that i survive..