Pinky Promises

i H.A.T.E making promisses, not only do i have to keep myself from doing something i REALLY want to do, but i also have to change my lifestyle. I promised my boyfriend that i will not purge or use "pills" so now im kinda stuck. I hate this! i just ate and tomorrow i have an appointment with my doctor,. hopefully i could get out of it or at least get more time!!!! Going to the doctor doesnt "scare" me, im used to the needles and the "regular" routine, what terrifies me the most is stepping on that fucken scale. Im terrified of the large 3-digit number i will unfortunatelly see. I wanna go back to my 90's! I wanna be happy and just free. I HATE the fact that ive become very weak, i eat now and im just lazy (or atleast i feel that way) I dont think im a bit attractive, and i simply cant stand the fact that i feel heavy. I get irritated when people say i have a "great" body, i dont want that cause i dont feel great, i wanna be skinny. I wanna be friken "pro" MY happiness, i wanna feel free for once, not being tied up to gross food. I feel inevitably claustrophobic in my own skin and i hate feeling like this. Im trapped in a body i know i dont want,.. and it really sucks! I just wanna feel better,..and im sorry.