Friday, January 7, 2011
I guess when I'm feeling like crap, i try covering it up with lust. I know it might not sound so nice but, sometimes that's all i got. I hate how twisted my emotions get, i don't cut, i cant purge, and i have to eat more "normal," just to convince my doctors that I'm better so that i can get the fuck out of treatment. I don't like talking about my feelings, i barely even do that with my boyfriend. I don't get the point of it. At night, i get these weird nightmares, and i am officially terrified of my room. Last night I had a weird nightmare involving my best friend and my boyfriend, having an affair; the night before, i dreamt i was being chased, and later raped, by someone i don't really remember. I don't understand these dreams at all. I'm not even safe in my own dreams anymore, so now I'm compelled to suffer a bit more. My body feels disgusting, and the fact that my boyfriend keeps holding me, makes me feel a bit more insecure. I need to buy myself more pills (or steal), i need to start controlling my life a bit more. Until then, i shall sleep in my couch..