Monday, November 21, 2011


I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine and  I know I'll see you again;whether far or soon. But I need you to know that I care and I miss you.

Just a typical Monday where the weather decides to welcome me with it's piercing cold wind,tempting me to crawl back under my covers. Every time winter knocks on my door, I feel as though I should be tinier than I was before. There's something about this weather that makes me want to be fragile and cold. It's amazing actually, while other's are striving for warmth, I want to feel cold in a much deeper extent. I want to challenge myself to be as cold as the weather outside. I mean, winter is such a beautiful season, so why can't I? Last night, my boyfriend decided to take me to the movies and stay warm. Now, I don't really know how this happened, but  I just felt like I left my body. I felt the cold wind piercing my skin, with an intensity that was just too surreal at that moment. I felt as though I was being welcomed into a surrounding I once was so familiar with. I remember stepping into a small french cafe after the movie ended, and I felt completely disgusted with the food. In order for him not to worry, I ordered a cup of green tea  and a salad. I began picking at my food while I took gulps of my tea. I remember spacing out and slowly coming back to life again. He later invited me for some dessert and my mood completely changed. I began to get angry for no reason; I was disgusted. We later went outside to the cold rain and found a dry spot near a building. As we began kissing, I caught myself thinking of the calories I would be burning while I was kissing him (since making out burns about 25cals a minute). I later thought about how much fat I would be burning if I stayed out in the cold for longer, and how much the green tea would affect me. All of these thoughts began coming back, as though I've been storing them for ages. I don't know whether to be scared or not, but I am quite happy to say that I'm gaining the control I lost. I know these thoughts are "bad," but I can't help but feel ready. Then again, I hope I can stop myself before it's too late.

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