Tuesday, December 27, 2011


Blind leading the blind.Reaping what I've sown.If it all amounts to nothing then, why am I standing in this line?

The utter torment of spending the day alone really gets to me. It's as if the silence invites my inner thoughts to overpower me, covering up my mind with its apathetic reasoning. Making me drive myself into the insanity that is my ED. Oh how I hate eating, and I hate purging even more. It saddens me really, not because I'm damaging myself, but because I have a new kitten, and she started to get scared. Her reaction reminded me of my nephew, who later on covered for me whenever I decided to purge my sister's dinner out. He used to look so sad, he begged me to stop various times. It sucked because my sister spent her whole days partying and working. Now, she wasnt a bad mother, on the contrary, she was the strongest person I have ever met. See, her fiance was sent to jail because he attempted to kill a man, all because he let his jealousy take over. He led my sister onto believing that he wanted to marry her and, who knows, he was going to kill her next. All of this happened weeks before she was going to get married, which led her into a devastating depression that hit everyone in the family. As for my nephew, he had to be the strong older brother who saw his father being taken away by the cops. My nephew happens to be THE strongest 10 year old I have ever seen in my life. Therefore, watching him witness me killing myself made me feel like a complete piece of shit. The kid really looked up to me. Today was one of those purging moments where I felt my life flash before me. I saw all of my mistakes pass right in front of me. Now, I'm just trying to cope for the rest of the day. 

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