Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Releasing the vapour into the lung; letting the wings unfurl. And for a moment I feel young.
I feel as though I'm going into the wrong direction. As if I'm stepping into a dark abyss, leading me nowhere. I hate writing all of these depressing posts. For once, I want to tell you that I found peace and that I'm happy with myself; but I can't. What I write here are my private thoughts. Thoughts that are scattered inside my mind, meant for no one else but myself. I don't feel comfortable enough with my peers in order to talk to them about this. I hate bumming people out with my own stupidity; because what I do to myself IS stupid. My therapists, doctors, and family have made it very clear that I am a complete fool for doing this to myself.I cant help but to agree, but then again, they will never understand the horrors coming alive in my nightmares. I'm not happy. I haven't been since I was very young. I think its too early in my life for me to be feeling this bitter. I have been blessed with so many things, it's incredible really, but why can't i give an honest smile? It's like I don't deserve any of this, it's obvious that I need something, but what? Love? I have family and a boyfriend, and an amazing best friend. Money? I don't need it. I barely like going shopping anyways. So, what is it? I don't understand what is going on inside my head! It's aggravating and driving me insane. I guess I do need help, but who do I reach out for to help me?