Tangled

Take hold my hand, and hold it tighter, ever tighter .You must believe that I love you still ,but my strength, it grows weaker, and weaker and my body has lost its will 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs! I want to cry, I want to throw everything in sight. I want to mess up my house, so that people can see how messed up I am in my mind. I think of this every-single-fucken-day, and no one seems to notice. I can't handle gaining a single pound. I dont want to be here. I want to run away and never come back. Everyone here is a selfish prick. I can't trust anyone. I feel as if I listen, but once I want to speak, no one is there. I just feel like breaking down right now, but I cant...because my brother is in the kitchen, and I have too much pride to ever let a single tear escape my eyes. Doesnt anyone notice? I barely speak. I'm trapped inside my pitiful mind, which can't decide whether I want to recover or not. I'm sick of feeling like a failure, but not knowing where I'm failing at. If I don't eat, I think of how I'm failing recovery. If I do eat, I feel like I'm failing myself and giving into being fat. I just can't stand it anymore. I want to do something drastic, then again, I don't want to cause too much attention to myself. Each day that passes me by, just seems to weaken me even more. There are days where I have no energy to go to school. I get physically sick from my stupid depression/anxiety. I honestly can't decide what I want to do anymore. I just want to disappear for a while; maybe just a little bit longer.