Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Starting Over

I dont know if anyone noticed, I highly doubt anyone did, but i deleted all my old posts for personal reasons. I have to admit that deleting them was as bad as tearing out a piece of my heart out. The memories and the confidetiallity I had in this blog was ripped out. This was never to offend anybody, these are simply the feelings i felt at that moment locked inside me with no form of escape. Apparently my thoughts can be to out-of-the-ordinary, I know. The means of this is like a diary. In "the outside world," i dont really talk to anyone about this, i have no one to trust. Sure, i see a psycologist every once in a while, but how does that help me? I barely even know the person. But im expected to tell them ALL..for me, things dont work out that way..they never did. My eating disorder is out of control. Before, i was a bit more ANA than MIA, but now-a-days im MIA with some ANA..(get it?). Any who, relationship with my mom has been increadibly awkard since that night..the only people that dare to know what happen are me,my mother, and cris. Although things with him feel more confusing as well, i dont really bother myself with telling him things anymore..I completely feel like i lost that bond with him since it seems like he just doesnt take me serious anymore. Him and i got into an argumet yesterday since he "tried" to make me not worry about the situation with my mom, altough it backfired right after when he was basically telling me that its my fault this shit happens. Right now i feel as though im lost in oblivion. I honestly dont know what to feel..sometimes i rather just sleep forever and finally rest..but i just couldnt do that to my mom. Shes basically the reason why im still breathing. Later today ill be going to visit my best friend in tracy(: i have so much to tell her, im just hoping i dont burst out crying. Well, thats all for now i guess.

"darkness cover me, deny everything..Slowly walk away, to breathe again. On my own"

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