Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Dying. Just a never ending dream, at least that's what i think it is. I honestly dont really believe in a heaven or hell. I think that when you die, you are in a dream, so sweet and so comforting that you will rest. Like all dreams, we all wake up and that happens when we are "reborn" but as someone else. Like re-encarnation.People dont experience "heaven" or "hell" when they die, i personally belive that it all takes place in your lifetime, the person choses whether to live in its own "heaven," making the best out of everything. In cases like mine, I honestly do believe that i live in my own personal hell, although i dont really like admiting it. I try to make the best out of it. Dont get me wrong, i do have my heaven moments, like today for example, i finally spent real time with my boyfriend, days like today help me remember why i stayed this long in the first place, we whent to go out to eat something i havent eaten in years and it was great! This day had humor, love, friendship, food, and music packed into it. I wouldnt give it up for anything, honestly. Sadly, right now im stepping back into my hell known as "ANA". Scared for tonight, im seriously dreading the sleepless hours, the pains from the pills i took (3) and the voice inside my head repeating everything i dont want to hear. I do admit, i am scared, the vivid nightmares that are so real, i can almost swear that im not dreaming at all. I will survive. I will fast tomorrow, i swear that if i dont, i will go insane,.. Some guy called me fat, Im aware that he was just joking but the fact that he involved my biggest insecurity against me, makes me want to react in the most dramatic way. I dont know how tomorrows gonna turn out, but i sure hope that i survive..