Sunday, March 6, 2011

Light as a Feather..

So I'm thinking of joining ballet. Not only did I get this idea from seeing Black Swan last night, but Ive been wanting this for a while now. Ballerinas are so graceful, fragile, and yes, thin. I want all three, but the one i want the most is probably very obvious. Last night was great, I haven't been out with my boyfriend and my friends in a long time. No acuardness what-so-ever. The only thing that ticked me off a bit was how perverted he got while watching the movie. Not only was I on my firkin period but, when he sais things like that in front of others, even after hes been like that for a while, it gets annoying and its almost as if thats all he wants from me. So yes, i do in fact get insulted. He later started "calming down" tho, except he was talking about the future and how he loves me and wants us to get married and a house and all that pretty stuff. I gotta say, it is a beautiful thought and its nice to look forward to something so "promising," thing is, I hate believing in those things; I hate bringing my hopes up and later have them crushed. I want to have faith in him, and i do have hope in us but i don't want to. I hate how close I'm getting. I hate the fact that he has the power to destroy me and heal me, at the same time. I hate that i can NEVER hate him, I hate how im vulnerable of everybody else's stupid comments on how "i can do better" or "im too good for him" or even about his physical appearance. I hate that my name goes perfect with his last name. I hate how i cant help but smile every time i see him, how i feel like blushing whenever he appears, the way his arms seem to be the only safe place in this planet, the way his smile seems to brighten my day or when he's sad, i cant help but want to fix it. I hate how I cant help the way that im so vulnerable and he knows it, yet I still deny. I hate how i cant help but press my lips against his and still feel the fire i felt from our first kiss. I hate to admit it but im falling for him, I hate how I cant seem to tell him any of this. I hate hiding but its my only option even though I want just confess this all to him. I hate how this isn't even a fraction of my feelings for him; theres still more, way more, but he cant know, not now. I hate how its almost been 2 years, yet i cant even confess how i truly felt throughout a day. I hate how i don't hate any of this, my fear of life is killing me, but i cant help but hold on.

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