Thursday, December 23, 2010

Am i precious to you now?

Throw away The charade of your life, Let the flame of my heart Burn away Your complacence tonight...
Fearing no one

So i really need to pull myself together. I know for a fact that i gained at least 1-2lbs since I've been eating more than i should at the times that i shouldn't. Ive been trying to chillax for these couple of days, i don't want to stress myself out anymore..I was thinking that i should rely on apples and veggies until Saturday. and ill try to either do that, OR keep my limit between 300-500cals (less = more ). ill keep doing my exercises like i do and hopefully ill lose some by, week. Ive had a great week, in the "real" world, I'm not complaining. I'm just hoping that ill be able to see my boyfriend on Tuesday. Ive been seeing way less of him this break. Maybe this is exactly what we needed. I'm having extra time to hang out with my girls and strengthening our friendship(: I'm happy to say that there hasn't been a day that I'm alone <3. I'm terrified of being alone. Ive never been scared of anything in my life other than being alone.I know for a fact that i turn completely insane when I'm alone. When i was young and i was left alone, bad things seemed to always happen. If i was left alone some sick man would try to have his way with me. When i was left alone at my dad's house, my step-brother made sure to make my day a living hell, pretty much i would get beaten and insulted with no end. When i am left alone, i have a tendency to b/p, scar my already hideous body, and just drown in the pool of my own sorrow. I hate sounding like I'm being dramatic , but that's the best way for me to descibe it. I try to avoid my house, which i don't consider home. I feel a sigh of eternal relief when I'm out with a friend or when my mother comes back home safe from work. I never liked staying home and not doing anything. I don't like acting like my dad, he never did anything. I guess i listen to music because i feel liberated, i can honestly say that i feel like I'm somewhere else. The horrible nightmares that seem to appear almost every night are whats causing me to keep moving rooms. I am mentally exhausted.

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