Monday, December 20, 2010

The Past is Indestructable

Blind your eyes to what you see;You can't embrace it.Leave it well enough alone And don't remember
Cut your pride and watch it bleed;You can't deny it. Pain you know you can't ignore..

So I really dont know how to start this out, i feel terrible. Im not feeling right, i know i mess up, im not perfect but i hate when people just start bashing on it. I  had to go take some tests today and my doctor noticed the scars on my stomach,.. i felt so embarrased i swear i dont know what to do. I said i got them in a soccer incident. I feel helpless because i ate more than i wanted today. I feel sick to my stomach. I was talking to my best-guy-friend, and oh god, i felt releaved,. i said so much. I was tempted to say more, but I just couldnt find a way to say anything. Everything has its ups and downs, i hate how much people expect me to do things for them, to solve their problems but they just dont care to listen or be there when i need them. I really hope i dont sound selfish or self-centered. I just want someone to be there and give me an honest sighn of hope,.. I cant find that. I know some try but i can tell that they get sick of it, or they just cant find a streight answer to anything. Im like the last to be notified of someting; im the last choice,.. its always been that way. Seing my body reminds me of the ass-holes who once took advantage of it, I feel deformed because thats how they left me. If i prove to myself that i have control, then maybe people would take me more serious and maybe some people would stop trying to fuck me over. I had one too many things/people get taken away from me. My innocence was ripped from me at the tender age of 3. I want to regain that control i never had, i wanna feel weightless and be able to finally take control of my life. I just dont want to live in fear. Everytime i mess up I get taken back to the days when all that happened. Maybe if i was stronger, nothing like that wouldve happened to me.. I just dont know.

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