Sunday, December 19, 2010

i was thinking,..

that I'm not going to go to treatment anymore; i don't need to go. I think I'm perfectly fine and i don't have a problem. I'm working out at least 3x a day doing 75 crunches, 25 knee ups (lower belly), 100 twist-thingies, and 300 seconds of this "half sit up" thing and it BURNS. in the morning i eat an apple (no peal) and i eat frozen strawberries (1 cup = 50cals). so far its been pretty hard to keep that up since my moms gonna be home for the next 2days. Ill try surviving. My mind has been working in strange ways for the past,..weeks. My dreams get more blurry, yet more painful every time, I'm either killing myself OR someones doing it for me. I dont know what that means. I had a dream where i was pregnant and i stabbed myself to death, worse thing is that i FELT  it. The pain was so brutal, so real that i couldn't help but picture my own death. My whole life, flashing before my eyes. Most people in circumstances like this end up frightened, not. The whole idea seemed a bit calming, i felt somewhat rested, yet i cant help but wonder what it all means,.. All i know is that i am done. I want nothing to do with the hospital anymore,. i cant do it.

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