Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Holding On to something,..

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me; Distracting, reacting. Against my will I stand beside my own reflection,..It's haunting how I can't seem... To find myself again

   So it kind of sucks how much i really despise myself. I feel weak and with no control what so ever; maybe that's why i get taken advantage of. I don't know. I want to prove to myself and others that i am strong, and that i do know how to make my own decisions. Today i sang "live" and i was so happy. My voice is recovering from the various burns my throat's been through. I hate how i ate at 7pm, i feel like a failure. I hate how i ate so much today because my boyfriend came over. I hate how I always do that. I hate how much i despise my disgusting body. I hate how I'm bound to be imperfect with my scars. I hate how i cant keep it together anymore,..I hate how at moments i feel helplessly alone. I hate how i cant help but feel claustrophobic in my own skin trapped beneath my flesh with no way to crawl out. No form of escape; I'm trapt in a asylum. Going insane. Because i am, that's what i decided to make of myself..I saw my boyfriend today and i felt so happy, its crazy how much one person can affect you. After him and i talked things out (after i ate like the sick pig i was bound to be), he seemed to be in a better mood. We promised each other to not keep things from each other anymore, to be honest and to not lie.Like always, i hate making promises. I have to talk to him about my ED feelings and all that stuff,..I swear it wont be easy. I hate how i have to do this, i know ill get annoying. I need help.  But i don't want it.     

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